The Black Sheep Diaries

Lalah

2008-08-18T01:08:00.002-04:00

This is a post I wrote September 19, 2007, but never got around to publishing. Funny that it speaks to exactly what I'm going through right now...

Last weekend I went to a concert with my friend, Jon. It was a live recording for the latest chapter of Kirk Whalum’s Gospel According to Jazz series. For those who don’t know the series, Kirk gathers a cadre of incredible jazz artists and records a jam session of great jazz music that interprets or is inspired by Gospel music.

One of the artists on the bill was Lalah Hathaway, one of my favorite singers. She sang a few songs, but one blew me away. The chorus says, “Don’t ask me how I could love you. It’s 'cause I’m love. It’s what I do.”

Whoa! Having struggled for so much of my life to feel lovable, I still occasionally ask God “why.” Why does he love me? Why would he risk/waste so much of himself on me? Why does he chase me when I run? Why does he wait for me to catch up? Why did he keep saying ‘I love you’ when he knew I wouldn’t believe him? Why did he trust me with so much?

A couple of years ago, around the middle of the Living Waters course, the light came on. I truly felt for the first time that God loved me. So, I asked him why and how. And that was his answer, “I love you because I am love.” Hearing the song reminded me of that fact.

Get Thee Behind Me, Jesus

2008-07-05T12:21:00.005-04:00

I learn a lot about God from my friends.

Once or twice a month my friend and I go on a long bike ride. As a considerably weaker rider, I lag behind a lot. I feel bad sometimes, holding him back, but he puts up with it because he's a really good friend.

I've noticed that when he gets too far ahead for me to see him, I develop a sort of learned helplessness. I realize that no matter how hard I pedal, I'll never catch up, and I automatically slow down. These periods are a little disheartening, yet restful and comfortable.

After a few minutes, I'll see him riding in circles up ahead. I mutter a few expletives, mourning the loss of my rest and comfort. Then, I'll ride up along side him, and we head off again.

The other thing I've noticed is that when he really wants to push me, he forces me to lead. Somehow, having him behind me, being responsible for setting his pace and mine, makes me want to stretch myself to the limits. I don't become Lance Armstrong, mind you, but the speed and effort is beyond my comfort zone.

Where does God fit into all of this?

Looking back on my life, I see that often when God wanted to move me from one stage of my life to another, he put me in leadership. Being responsible for setting goals and visions for other people, for hearing from God on their behalf, for encouraging them, stretches me. It also in those times that I feel closest to God.

The other trend I see is that when God wants to move me out of a period of stagnation - often prolonged by months or years of searching for God's will - he forces me to make a decision. Rather than leading and daring me to follow, he dares me to lead and promises to follow.

It reminds me of Moses, with whom I often feel an odd kinship because of his fears and insecurities, and the roundabout route he took into his destiny. God called Moses into the realization his potential and out of a 40-year-old comfort zone by putting him in charge of a whole nation of people. God made him the leader of the most daring and dramatic escape ever.

Thinking about all of this proved a pleasant distraction on the bike ride. Seeing God use a friend yet again to reach out to me made me even more grateful for the amazing people he has placed in my life.

Quick Thought: Worldly Love

2008-05-21T21:56:00.003-04:00

It would behoove us as Christians to remember that the Bible says, "For God so loved the world...," not "For God so loved the church...." Neither God's love nor our mission starts at the pulpit and ends at the last pew.

Quick Thought: Q&A

2008-03-14T23:10:00.005-04:00

Temptation is weird. Even if I don't do something, I still feel bad thinking about wanting to do something. But, for the sake of my spiritual sanity, I've tried to think of temptation a little differently: as a question.

Don't you want to...? Wouldn't you be happier if you...? Wouldn't people like you better if you...? Wouldn't this hurt less if you...?

Thinking of it that way, I see that condemning myself or someone else for being tempted is like calling every person who's ever been offered marijuana a pothead. I see that sin doesn't come with being asked the question, but with my answer.

Temptation is just a question. Sin is the answer to the question...and so is holiness. Whether I choose sin or holiness depends on whether or not I answer the question the same way God does.

In Deuteronomy 30:19, God puts it this way, "I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses." I make this choice again and again, every time I face temptation. With every question I have the power to choose life and holiness or sin and death.

God urges me to choose life.

Quick Thought: Identity

2008-02-04T07:31:00.000-05:00

When God, hands-down the biggest overachiever ever, offered Moses his business card to pass on to the children of Israel, it said "I AM" not "I DO".

I could learn a thing or two from him.

Quick Thought: Don't Ask, Don't Tell

2008-01-03T22:39:00.000-05:00

I think people should stop describing themselves as Christians.

A conversation with a friend confirmed that the bad rap Christianity has been dealt is due in part to the many self-proclaimed Christians who are weirdos or jerks. So, rather than discriminating against weirdos and jerks, I say that we just stop everyone from calling themselves Christians. It should be like the "n-word." Everybody can't say it, so nobody should say it.

The Bible says that the world will know that we are Christians by our love, not our labels. So, if you want everyone to know you're a "C-word," love them. Demonstrate your Christianity in your actions, in your lifestyle. And if people realize there's something different about you and ask if you're a Christian, then you say yes - kind of like an undercover cop. If the mood is right, you can even proselytize.

Bug-a-boo

2007-12-07T16:55:00.000-05:00

As it gets colder outside and inside of my house - which is apparently the nexus of insect life on Earth - I'm noticing more bugs invading my personal space. It occurred to me, as I was swatting uselessly at a gnat, that he wasn't trying to annoy me. He was cold and dying.

The gnat was just trying to stay alive. He understood that the cold, harsh environment that is my home is not conducive to his continued existence. So, he needed to seek out any source of heat he could find. His instinctual impulse brought him to me. At 98.6 degrees, I am often the warmest thing in the room.

My next thought was naturally of God and his people. The Bible speaks of our light and our love, and the way they will draw people to us and ultimately to him. Sort of like gnats.

We can all agree that our world is kind of cold and harsh. In and of itself, our world is not conducive to prolonged, abundant life. It is only God's light in this dark world that brings us joy and peace and hope and love. He is the source of our life.

We reflect that light as Christ dwells in us. Inside of us is the Life and the Light that everyone needs. So we can't be annoyed or surprised or unprepared when, every so often, some cold and dying person is drawn to our light and warmth.

Well, we can and I often am. But, we shouldn't be.

Really, we should take it as a compliment. It just means that this person has recognized that we are the warmest thing in the room.

Still Fighting It

2007-11-11T15:45:00.000-05:00

I was walking downtown on Friday and came to the intersection of 18th & K Streets, NW. It's on one of DC's main drags for crosstown traffic and in the heart of the corporate and commercial district.

In the middle of the intersection stood a kid holding a big posterboard. I say kid because I'm older, but he was likely a college student from GWU. Just your garden-variety, work-a-day, white kid.

Anyway, his posterboard simply read "Honk if you care about my future (I care about yours)." The occasional car would drive by and honk, and he'd give them a wave or a thumbs up.

I was intrigued because he was alone. There was no logo or name on the posterboard. I'm pretty sure it was handwritten. Usually, these activist kids travel in packs, hand out flyers or packs of chewing gum or something, and make their organizational affiliation very clear.

So, as I walked across the intersection, I stopped. "So, what about your future?" I figured he'd say something about education funding reform, health care, or social security.

He said he didn't have anything in particular in mind, no party, no agenda, "Just a positive message."

K Street is also the city hub for lobbyists, so seeing someone without an angle looking to share goodwill with his fellow man was very refreshing.

I applaud him and pray that God is Lord of his future, and shows himself strong and good. I pray for miracles of faith, hope and success.

Don't Go Changin'

2007-11-03T01:57:00.000-04:00

For all of the talk of transformation and newness in the Bible, God has invested a lot of time and energy in my life lately to make me okay with just being who I am. Plain, old me. It feels pretty good to know that the one who knows me completely believes that what I am is enough. The trick is getting me to believe it.

I’m an optimist and a realist, so I have a pretty good handle on my strengths and weaknesses. I can rattle them off at any given moment with the greatest of ease. The disconnect comes as I place price tags on all of the bric-a-brac of my character. I tend to overvalue the liabilities and undervalue the assets. So, as I tally everything, I’m left feeling like I’m always in debt. I feel like I always owe the people who care about me and spend time with me a little more than just plain, old me.

This has led to several peculiar habits. Sometimes, I’ll hold back parts of who I am, afraid that people will see the total package and draw the same conclusion that I have.

Other times, I’ll try to compensate for having too little to offer by going into giving and serving mode. My love and service to people that I care about becomes like a dowry to buy their love in return. God pointed out the irony in this tactic. My abilities to love and serve others are God-given gifts that are the very core of who I am. So, essentially I’m trying to make up for the fake or partial me that I mistakenly believe is the real me by showing people the actual real me. And, what do you know? People like him.

Ironic?

So, God says, “My grace is sufficient for you. And your need for grace is sufficient for me.” And in the end, being happy about who I am is requiring a transformation. Just being plain, old me is actually a very new thing. The Bible was right again. Next time… I get to be right.

So, Jesus Isn't My Boyfriend?

2007-08-12T01:30:00.000-04:00

I have a number of friends who are quite vocal about their opposition to the trend of using romantic imagery in describing our relationship with God. That is, the so-called Jesus-is-my-boyfriend phenomenon. Just the same, I kind of like it.

Does this mean that I believe that God wants to be my boyfriend...er, girlfriend? While I do have an open slot for that position, my answer would be no. However, I do believe that the concept has a substantial biblical basis.

The Bible is rife with portrayals of God and Jesus as suitors, husbands, and even lovers. I don't believe these references mean that God wants to be a suitor, husband or lover to us. I think the goal, as in most things biblical, is for us to gain a better understanding of who God actually is, both in and of himself and in our lives.

I think those references are God's attempt to help us grasp the nature of his love for us. It's a pretty tall order. There is no direct correlate within the vocabulary of human emotion and relationship. But there are a couple of human loves the Bible uses to illustrate godly love: the love a parent has for a child, and the love a man has for a woman.

This man-woman love often starts with or leads to some sort of pursuit. God's pursuit of us led Jesus from heaven to a cross and back. Both man-woman love and God's love involve passion. Both loves involve some expectation of fidelity and exclusivity. Both loves involve a fierce and paternal protectiveness. I could go on, but you get the idea.

I can be self-centered. I sometimes have a hard time truly seeing from another person's perspective. Most of the time I just imagine what I would do, say, think, or feel if I was in their position. Since I don't get unconditional love - either fully understand it or fully receive it from others - it's good to have the analogies.

For instance, I don't know exactly how God feels when I don't spend time with him for a long time. I do know what it's like to miss a girlfriend who's away on a long trip. I don't exactly understand God's interest in the minutia of my daily life to the point that he's counted the hair on my head. I do understand living for the smile on my girlfriend's face when she eats her favorite candy bar.

When all is said and done, the love that I would have for a girlfriend or wife (if such a creature existed in my reality) pales in comparison to God's love for me. And no place that I could carve out in my heart, my schedule, my life for a girlfriend could ever be truly worthy of God.

Luckily, that doesn't change the fact or my point. Envisioning Jesus as my...significant other gets me closer to understanding his love for me than I would be otherwise.

A Life Less Ordinary

2007-08-10T00:01:00.000-04:00

It's been a long time since I've posted. This is not because so little has happened, but in part because so much has happened. Too much. The summer has been marked indelibly with great trips, amazing friends, and experiences that defy easy explanation.

It hasn't all been good, but it has all been mine. I've been present, accounted for, and accountable for every minute of it. And that has been the answer to a hard-fought prayer. I spent the past weekend in one of the more beautiful places I've seen, and I still managed to sit my camera down and experience the moment wholly for myself.

I've spent so many years desparate for a life worth writing about, worth reading about, worth photographing. Worthy of the subtle and not-so-subtle voyeurism and envy. It's good to finally find myself in a life that is simply worth living.

Angela and Dogma

2007-07-24T06:27:00.000-04:00

Last night we did a group run to the grocery store. It was me, Jon Vaughn, Matt, and Jon's classmate Angela.

Angela popped an interesting question just as we got out of the car to head into the store. She and I had been discussing the good, bad, and indifferent aspects of soy milk. As we finished that conversation, Angela asked why, in our estimation, humans were the only animals that continued drinking milk after infancy.

Matt, Jon, and I all posed somewhat humourous, or at least seemingly unserious, responses. Our having exclusive access to crackers and cookies and dairy farming technology were all mentioned. Thus, the "somewhat" qualifier before humorous.

Anyway, it seemed like a random question. That is, until this morning. I don't know if it was God or me, but as I woke up the question came back to me and so did an answer: humans are the only animals that can choose to ignore their instincts.

Suddenly the question seemed a lot less random. The first instinct that came to mind was the instinct for worship and fellowship with God. The next thing that came to mind was one of my favorite quotes, which comes from a movie called Dogma.

Dogma is a comedy about an epic quest to stop two fallen angels, Barnaby and Loki, from ending the world. Their plan was to receive absolution from a newly created Catholic rite, thus obtaining forgiveness and reentry back into heaven. According to the lore of the movie, that would prove God wrong, produce a paradox, and end the world.

In one scene, Barnaby is lamenting the freedom and position that God granted humans as his beloved children - a place even above angels. In the quote, he talks about all of the freedoms that God gave mankind, including the freedom to ignore the pain that they feel at being separated from Him.

I'm clearly not saying that milk is bad. In fact, God made a point of telling the Israelites that the Promised Land flowed with milk (and honey).

I, myself, am very fond of milk. Even though milk sometimes disagrees with my digestive system, I still have a craving for it. I still feel entitled to dairy products. I drink soy milk because of it.

It's just an interesting concept. And an interesting example of freewill. At least to me.

Journal Entry

2007-05-16T07:46:00.000-04:00

Here's my journal entry from today:

May 16, 2007

As I woke up this morning, I was talking to God and was nearly moved to tears. I was telling him how sorry I was that I couldn’t deserve him. He said that it was better that way. He said if I could deserve him than I wouldn’t need him. It’s a leap and possibly heretical, but I think that our desire to be loved and needed is not just God-given, it’s one of the ways that we reflect his character. Maybe it’s love. Maybe true love creates that desire for the people we love to love us and need us back, but also provides the grace that allows us to love people even when they can’t fulfil that desire.

Brandt did an great job with his Bible Drill, of which I got an advance read. He made an incredible point about the need to temper encouragement. To ask questions before you encourage to find out how you should encourage a person and how much encouragement is needed. I took it personally (because no matter what "it" is, it's all about me) and as a criticism. In reality, I think I am suppose to take from it a challenge and admonition from God. I am gifted to encourage, but that doesn’t mean I do it perfectly. Just like Rob is gifted to play guitar, but he doesn’t play it perfectly. Our gifts still need refinement, practice. I pray that I can encourage well, that I’ll learn to temper and time my encouragement, always with love, truth, and Spirit-leading.

Thank you God and thank you Brandt.

"The birds, Clarice..."

2007-05-15T22:31:00.000-04:00

This is random, but here goes...

For the past three of four days, as I've walked around the city, I've happened into an inordinate number of dead baby birds. The smallest was just out of its shell and had no feathers. Today's baby bird was older, probably old enough to fly. I don't know if it's the season for mother birds to be pushing their babies out of the nest and I'm seeing the ones who didn't take flight, or what. Although at least two of the birds were clearly not old enough. I don't know what the deal is. Maybe it's a sign, but of what?

Like I said, random.

Day Trippin'

2007-05-08T07:15:00.000-04:00

Yesterday I spent the afternoon with my friend, Jon, who I always have the hardest time referring to without using his last name. Great guy.

Anyway, we spent about 4 hours hiking around Rock Creek Park. We were on and off the trails. Mostly off. It was an afternoon of men stuff, guy stuff, and kid stuff. We hiked, we ran, we climbed rocks, we skipped rocks, we scaled gullies. We traversed the creek and streams on make-shift bridges forged by God and beaver. We also made bridges of our own. We ran and hid from the Aztec homeless, an aboriginal tribe with a penchant for kidnapping and enslaving unlucky hikers. We dodged huge piles of poop along the trail, which we attributed to the joggers, but more than likely came from horses. We got lost. We spent an hour sitting on the side of Rock Creek Parkway, talking about God, talking about life, making fun of the passing cars and drivers, distracting them with random antics, playing with a baseball we found.

It was an afternoon that I didn't have to be anything: not an adult, or a Christian, or a leader, or a follower, or a student, or a counselor. I could just be. And it was just what the Great Physician ordered.

One of the more memorable events of the day was biblical. Jon jokingly said he was going to give me a Word. So, he threw his Bible into the air and said the Word from the Lord would be whatever it opened to. The Bible landed open with a stick marking a particular passage: 1 Kings 19. When I heard it was Kings, I said, "Crap, it's bad news."

I was wrong, sort of. It turns out that 1 Kings 19 was the text from this week's sermon at our church. It also happened to be the text of another sermon Jon had heard the day before on the radio. The sermon at our church, one of my pastor's best, was on hearing from God. The passage also talked about God's true nature, receiving His provision, fasting, journeying, resting, discipling and mentoring, and moving out of justified fear into action that changes the world.

It's an incredible passage that requires a lot more in-depth reading. It may even spur a blog series, we'll see.

Thanks, Jon.

Playing Poker

2007-04-05T06:42:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was a very good night. My quiz went well, I thought. Of course, I thought the other quiz went well, and it sort of didn't. In the hour between my quiz and the group therapy session, I went shopping in Old Town. Got some great stuff. I may be becoming a shop-a-holic. Perhaps I should slow way down and only buy what I need. Although, I'm not in the habit of willy-nilly buying. I'm buying things I need.

After shopping we had our final full session. Ridiculously awesome. Unlike last time, I started off talking about myself and the overwhelming neediness I've been feeling lately. Through the discussion and some side coversations with God, a couple of friends and Malcolm Smith, I came to a conclusion: I'm needy because I'm safe.

Through my experience with Living Waters and Alpha, and the friendships I found last year, my extroversion and my need for relationship appeared seemingly out of nowhere. I discovered that not only was it not good for "man" to be alone, it was also not good for this man to be alone. What I've been feeling lately has been a much (MUCH!) magnified version of those feelings.

The conclusion that I came to is that now I'm in a place, emotionally and relationally, where I can get those intense needs met. I have both the strength and good courage to say "I need" and the friends who can say "I'll see your need and raise you a meeting of that need." I believe that God finally allowed this need to be awakened now because these provisions were finally in place for the need to be met. In this time, he's just been daring me to use them. I accept his challenge.

All in.

Day 65

2007-04-03T07:05:00.000-04:00

At some point I'll stop these journaling posts, I've just go to figure out when. Anyway, today is not that day.

Yesterday was a fun day. Work fell into the background as I hung out with friends for most of the day, at least that's what it seemed like. Cooking with Brandt and car shopping with Rob. I also had weird dreams although I can't remember them. I just remember that my classmates were involved. Andy was there, but I don't remember why. Strange. I was grateful for the weather, and as always for my bike.

I don't recall any prayers being answered. Although, I feel like the prayer I prayed yesterday for my mind is being answered today with a prayer/declaration prayed/made this morning.

I think I should centralize my accountability. Maybe I don't need to and I just feel like I should. Right now it works like a pyramid scheme. Or maybe an octagon scheme. Actually, that's the wrong analogy. It's very compartmentalized. It's like an assembly line. I get a bolt tightened here and a piece installed there, a decal pasted on over there, and off to another station for final inspection. And maybe that's the way the Good Lord intended. He sent me people who are experts in different things. With whom I have different things in common. It feels a little like my life of yore, where everything was separated and never meeting twitxt them twain. I don't know if my desire for a one-stop shop is a hankering God hits me with from time to time to let me know there's something else out there, or one that I've cobbled together from ideas and ideals. It's working, so I suppose I should just ask God to do what...Okay. I guess. I'll try.

In any event, I'm looking forward to my day. I pray for opportunities and the wisdom to know how to use them, and the humility to back way off and let God wear the cape, mask and tights this time.

Day 6 Four

2007-04-02T07:09:00.000-04:00

It's been a great few days. God's been working overtime. And literally just got news that I'm an uncle again. My "little brother", Franklin, just had a baby boy. Great way to cap off the weekend.

God answered my prayer for a clear mind. It lasted only a couple of days, but it was the right could of days and it reminded me what my mind was like before and can be like again. I say "the right couple of days" because that Thursday night we had the best Living Waters small group ever. I wouldn't have been able to experience it as fully as I did, if I had been as bound as I normally am. At the risk of sounding patronizing, I was really proud of the men in my group for the WORK they did on Thursday night and the way they ministered to and enouraged and prophesied to each other. For this weekend, maybe even this year, that is the thing that I'm most grateful for.

I also had a great retreat day. With Brandt and Matt out of town and Rob working on his test, I figured Saturday was a good day to be by myself. It turned out to be a perfect day. I saw and experienced so much and so little. God and I had a lot of fun, as we always do when I give him time. And somehow, I'm always surprised.

For today, I pray that I can find a way to live in that freedom and clarity of mind, and the fellowship with and obedience to God that it makes possible. I also pray a life of victory, blessing, favor, love, joy, hope, peace and forgiveness for my new nephew.

Day Fifty 9

2007-03-28T09:21:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was a good workday. So much fun hanging out with my co-workers, as always. We had an all-day task meeting, so we were trapped together in a small conference room. A sure recipe for hilarity.

Class was decent, too. Nothing outstanding, but a solid day. After that was a decently productive study session and bed.

I woke up this morning at friggin' five forty-five. A nightmare about my brothers and me being chased by a convenience store robbing serial killer. It was pretty intense, but not intense enough to justify waking up that early. I was annoyed, as always, that I couldn't go back to sleep. It was good prayer time though.

I'm really hungry, as I am most of the day. I'm gaining weight. It could be muscle weight, at least some of it is, I'm pretty certain. But I'm not a body builder. Weight gain is weight gain. It's all equally triggering.

Anyway, I pray that I can "quit." I was reading yesterday about a woman who was a workaholic. That's clearly not my testimony, but she also had my problem with the constantly running mind. One day she just said "I quit." Along with scaling back her commitments, she decided that she was going to stop working and thinking so many steps ahead and behind. She was just going to be present and focus on doing the next thing that she had to do. I want that.

God answered my prayer for my friend's situation. He also took care of my heel spur just after I prayed the prayer, which was pretty cool. And, this weekend, he orchestrated a ridiculously smooth conversation about the investment I was considering. I need another one of those blessings to make it through the next step.

I'm grateful for the laughter and joy that fills my life through my friends. I'm also grateful that he reminded me of my passion for people and relationship.

Day Fifty 8

2007-03-27T07:15:00.001-04:00

Yesterday was a bad work day. It wasn't bad, bad. It was sort of productive, although not it a tangible way. The main problem was that I was tired and doing a lot of reading and thinking. Today will be better. Back at the ranch, I was quite productive. Laundry, changing linens, cooking (well, frozen pizza), grocery shopping (well, asking Matt to grab a couple of things), talking to my roommates (I actually did that one), talking to my friend Nic, some designing, lots of photo processing.Today will be less productive at home, because I have class.

My shopping prayer was answered. Let's hope I can stick to it, I guess. I'm grateful for my job. I need to start acting like it, and I need to be a better steward over it, but I am very grateful. I pray that that is evidenced today. I also pray that my heel stops hurting.

Day Fifty 7

2007-03-26T07:04:00.000-04:00

This was a weekend, busy and sleepless and fun, like so many others. It was also a weekend of visits. Both Rob and Adrienne had their respective mother in town. Rob's youngest brother was also here. It was great to see all of them.

Rob's mom is the consummate friend's mom. Fun, funny and generous and mothering. All-around cute. I get excited every time I hear she's coming to visit. Adrienne's mom is very much like Adrienne - reserved, intelligent, honest, solid and warm. You could easily match both to their kids in a twenty mom line-up. Blind-folded.

Andy's also a very good guy. Similar to Rob in a lot of ways. It would have been interesting to see the three boys as kids. My mother probably wouldn't have let me play with them, mind you, but it would have been fun.

My friend, Catherine, also had an out of town guest. Her college friend, Caroline. Who I always remember as the cute, curly-red-head. She's always fun and interesting. I had dinner with them and Catherine's husband last night. Catherine's a restaurant quality cook, so the food was delicious as always. The conversation was also great. I also saw a little of Catherine's son. He's kind of a fireball, so he was in constant motion for my entire visit.

There was also a breakfast with Brandt and Matt's small group at the house and lunch with Rob on Saturday. I don't remember what happened Friday. Oh, yeah, I was working all night. Good time and great food, there, too.

Busy, busy busy. But good. I am grateful for peace. My life and my mind aren't perfect and they're not calm, but they could be a hell of a lot worse. Literally. I'm never without God, and his presence is never without some measure of peace. Might be some challenge and gobbledygook, but God's peace is always there in the background somewhere.

I pray that today is good for my friends, who have a lot going on, and an impetus for me. I don't care into what. I also need a shopping blessing.

God answered my prayer yesterday and calmed me, even though I didn't pray for it. I had a very rough shopping experience. And wanted to, as Rob says, "start breaking stuff." But it all worked out in the end.

Day Fifty 3

2007-03-22T10:05:00.000-04:00

Yesterday continued on in it's goodness. It was a productive work day and it ended with one of the best nights of class I've had all semester. After class I met some friends for hanging out at a local bar that I've been wanting to check out. Got some very good news from one of my friends, and I'm exceedingly happy for her. Got to say goodbye to Dave, which was my goal in going out.

On my way to the bar, I got some good news from God. My worship mojo is back and I got my answer about the investment venture I'm considering and my peace about my motives. So, all of my prayers from yesterday were answered! Well, technically my motives were wrong, but God helped me to get them in line or at least be honest about them.

I'm grateful for my life just as it is right now and I accept that all things - the good, the bad, and the ugly - come to pass. I pray that God will continue to help me enjoy the present and trust him for the future and past, and I pray that he'll keep talking sense into my head when I get off track.

Day Fifty 2

2007-03-21T11:07:00.000-04:00

Today started off really well. I had an awesome morning meeting. I had a Mickey D's breakfast. During my walk to work, I was a little tuned out. I stopped in the middle of the crowd and prayed. The thought that came to mind after I prayed was that I should stop looking around and start seeing. I went with it, and it completely transformed my outlook and my interaction with the people around me. The people I passed went from being scenery to being people. It was very cool.

Anyway, that was my morning. Yesterday was long, but a good long. Relatively productive workday, although not much to show for it. Great long lunch and conversation with Dave, Rob's friend and actual mentor. I had fun cooking and hanging out with the roommates. I finally finished my AA visit paper and turned it in with an exorbitant seven minutes to spare.

This no music thing is still kicking my butt and I'm not being as focused as I should on filling the void. I'm talking, I'm praying, but I don't know... I'm getting better and God is challenging me, so that's good.

Anyway, yesterday was a good day and I'm looking forward to good today. I don't know if any prayers were answered yesterday. But today I pray for vision for my future, and the words and wisdom as I consider some investment ventures. I just want to be well, Lord. I just want to live well, and love well. Have your way. Do your thing.

I'm grateful for my life. I sat at my computer last night thinking, "I love my life." And, I do. It's pretty darn cool. Thanks.

Day Fifty 1

2007-03-20T10:04:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was long and introspective. For most of the morning, I was stuck in my head replaying the day before, as I often do. It took some prayer and some effort, but God answered my prayer and I finally escaped. I finished out my AA meetings in grand fashion. I also started my paper, which I had every intention of finishing but didn’t. When all was said and done, I went to bed tired and satisfied with the day.

What I was most grateful for in this day is probably the same as the day before. The visiting the AA meetings has been an awesome experience. I’m tempted to attend more, but I’ll resist. That’s enough voyeurism for a while.

Prayer…? The bike. And soon. Please.

Day Fifty!

2007-03-19T08:58:00.000-04:00

This was a tiring but good weekend. A good combo of fun and fellowship and work and stress. And food, another big food weekend.

I really can't focus right now.

Anyway, I may or may not have bombed my midterm, depending on how bad my memory was and how good the curve is. To be fair, it was probably among the most ambiguous tests I've ever taken, and it will be a corporate failure. I prefer to think of that as confirmation of the ambiguity of the test items rather than misery loving company, but I'm sure the truth lies somewhere in between. I pray that all works out for my best in that. I pray to end up somewhere in the upper B/lower A range, so that I can secure my A for the class. I also pray for my classmates, one in particular, to not just see the light at the end of the tunnel but to bask in it.

I also need successful shopping & fast.

I saw my prayers answered in God working everything out for my meeting visits. That's been an amazing experience, and a total miracle of grace, undeserved favor. I am incredibly grateful for the work God has done in the lives of the people that I met at those meetings and I praise him for the implications their testimonies hold for his ability to free and change everyone and anyone from everything and anything.

"I tell you the truth, wherever this gospel is preached throughout the world, what she has done will also be told, in memory of her." Matthew 26:13.

Day Forty-Six

2007-03-15T09:02:00.000-04:00

Last night during my break for class I went to Subway to buy something to go along with my usual dinner of yogurt and granola. Really I just needed a spoon to eat my yogurt, but felt compelled to buy something rather than just asking for a spoon. I went in prepared and excited to buy three of their cookies, of which I am immensely fond, yet lamenting the fact that my sweet tooth is taking over my life.

God challenged me to choose something healthier. Like what? It's Subway. Turns out their kids meal comes with a pack of apples. I said, "Whatever," and bought the apples. Mind you, I hate apples.

That is, until now. Those were the best apples I've ever tasted, and literally some of the best fruit I've ever tasted. It was a combination of sweet red apples and very tart and sweet green apples. That's all the pack said, it didn't say what kind of red or green apples.

To me the apples and their tastiness represented the fruit (so to speak) of obedience. I spent the rest of the evening on a high.

In that rather trite anecdote is wrapped yesterday's answered prayer and thing-I'm-grateful-for. My prayer for today is that I remember the apples - I kept the wrapper, by the way - and what they represent.

God has proven to me over and over again that His way is always the best way, even when it doesn't look like look or feel like it at first. Still trust is hard to come by. It's good to know He hasn't given up on me.

Day Forty-Five

2007-03-14T09:29:00.000-04:00

Still with the wierd sleeping thing. I was up this morning at 3am. Luckily, I was able to sleep most of the time between 3 and 6 when I woke up for good. Thanks to Papillon for the international shout out, and the reply which reminded me of the scripture I posted on the sidebar of the blog then ceremoniously forgot. Sleep and rest are gifts granted by God, not something I'm entitled to or dictated by the hour of the day. As she said, it is a thing - like all gifts - to be thought of reverently and requiring some degree of stewardship.

Interesting thoughts.

Yesterday was a great day. The amazing weather helped immensely. I was a little tired, so after a short lunch with one of my favorite coworkers, I went for a bike ride to get some fresh air. I worked for a bit then took a power nap and knocked out the rest of the day. Class was good, interesting.

Still no answered prayers, although now I'm convinced I'm not looking hard enough. Actually, I my commuting prayers were answered. On the way home from school, as I approached the station, I prayed that my train would come in four minutes to give me time to get up to the platform. Right after I prayed, I looked up at the monitor (which you can see from the ground) to see how long the train would be. It said 2 minutes. So, I ran. Two minutes later, when I reached the platform, it still said 2 minutes. Because of a minor delay it showed up in exactly four minutes. That was cool.

I really need God's help getting my paper done. I don't deserve it. The paper could/should have been finished by now, but it's not. So, I'm praying that I can get it out of the way. It will require some major acrobatics on my part, but also a lot of other factors falling into place exactly the way I need them to. So, I really need God's help to make that happen. Oh, Frailty, thy name is Procrastination.

Gratitude? Yesterday, I really enjoyed being in class discussing/debating/learning about God's Word and Truth. It's cool to be able to reason together just like God invited us to. It's great that we serve a God that's big and complex enough to keep us guessing, but simple and real enough to make perfect sense...when he wants to.

Day Forty-Four

2007-03-13T08:19:00.000-04:00

For some reason, I'm up really early this morning. I'm dying to know. So much for my prayer for sleep. I didn't even get a nap in yesterday. Maybe today. My prayer for the day, I guess, would be that my waking up early had a purpose and I want to find out what that was. I also have a lot to get done for school in the next week or so, so any help I can get on that would be great, too. And bless my relationships. My friendships, any dating you have coming my way, my wife and kids, my family ties, and especially our relationship. Thank you for the fast and what it's done for us. Don't let me lose the good of this change in our conversations. Keep Jonathan safe in his last week and prepare DC for his return. I think that's about it.

I didn't really see any prayers answered, but thank you for listening to me when I whine out loud. I was dead tired yesterday and I was slipping into a bad mood. All of a sudden this very peculiar cloud formation shows up, and all was right with the world again. For the record, I'm a cloud person. They are one of my favorite of God's creations and they remind me of him. Some more than others. The one that I saw was very "Him," so it made me happy. I had energy, I was smiling and bopping down the street. Like I said, my moods are fragile. The bad ones, at least.

Day Forty-Three

2007-03-12T09:07:00.000-04:00

I want to sing! Just wanted to put that out there.

Anyway, this has been a good and full weekend: partying, snow tubing, biking, soccer (or something like it), and lots and lots and lots and lots of good eating. Most of that was yesterday.

DST? Early, late, extended, whatever. It all sucks. I'm already tired. Now even with a full night's or more sleep, I'm still tired. So, my prayer today is for sleep and rest. Both good.

Answered prayers. I support them, obviously. I can't think of any, off-hand, though.

I'm grateful for exercise. Riding my bike, running around, shopping. For the record, the way I shop makes it qualify as exercise. Not because I'm so good at it, just the opposite actually. It's very stressful and easily elevates my heart rate beyond that of aerobic exercise.

As I read back over this entry, I'm reminded of how little I involved God in this weekend. That explains a lot.

Day Forty

2007-03-09T08:40:00.000-05:00

So, God answered my prayer about the LW talk. It went really well. Some things I planned happened, some didn't. The Lord added to my numbers (or words, as the case may be) as he saw fit. It felt good, and I didn't do a whole lot of second guessing, which always feels good.

Work was productive and kind of flew by. A midday meeting followed by a long lunch with my "little brother" helped. It was good to feel like a mentor, again. I'm so proud of the man he's becoming. Today's prayer is that the Lord continues building his heart as a shepherd.

The thing I'm most grateful for is probably the different roles that the Lord allowed me to play in the day: brother, friend, coworker, leader, follower, speaker, listener, example, prophet. I lament my jack-of-all-trades-master-of-none status sometimes, but I do always feel that it's part of God's plan.

Day Thirty-Nine

2007-03-08T10:15:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was...long. Work was good, but...long. The staff meeting did not disappoint. I backslid in my assertiveness training during the lunch ordering process, and paid for it in money and spring rolls and frustration. All and all it was a productive enjoyable day. It was long, but I ended up staying over because I was busy AND time flew toward the end. I came home and puttered around for a bit. Then some surrogate family dropped by for movies and pizza. It was a few kids I used to mentor in the youth ministry at my old church and the mother of a couple of them. Of course, they're not kids anymore. The "kids" are ready to graduate college. And all, including the mom, are like brothers and sisters. We watched Little Miss Sunshine and The Prestige. They left at around 2am. We're a loud and rowdy bunch, so it was a late night for my roommates, too, which I feel horrible about. Oh, and I fell while riding my bike in the snow yesterday morning. We're both alright, although my bike may need a few small repairs. It was potentially dangerous, since I fell flat into oncoming traffic, but in actuality it was just funny. It drew the attention of drivers, walkers, construction workers, and other passersby.

I am grateful that I fell and that I'm still alive. It really could have gone a number of different and less humorous ways. But, I enjoy falls. As I mentioned to Rob I was a very clumsy child and had years to get used to falling. I also think God trips me, every so often, just to keep me from taking myself too seriously.

I don't recall seeing any prayers answered yesterday.

For today, I pray that my sharing at Living Waters will go well tonight. I'm talking about my experience with the true and false masculine. Should be interesting. My prayer is that I can step back and look at my life objectively. And, stay stepped back enough to share honestly - without trying to paint myself the martyr, the sinner or the saint - and enough to not get in the way of the Holy Spirit. Tall order, when I'm pouring out my guts on such as sensitive topic to a room full of 60 or 70 of my closest acquaintences.

Day Thirty-Eight

2007-03-07T07:05:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was another uneventful day. There's an episode of Family Guy where Brian is volunteering as a seeing eye dog. He's taking a blind person to a movie, The Blair Witch Project, and narrating what happens: "Some kids are in the woods with a video camera. Now they're running. Nothing's happening. More running. Nothing's happening. Nothing's happening. Nothing's happening. It's over. People look pissed."

That's what comes to mind, when I think of my days, lately. I've got to get some sleep. Anyway, work is still tough. Today we have a staff meeting, which will make everything better. Our staff meetings are so much fun. I usually come away with a lot of miscellany to deal with, but it's worth it. My co-workers are the funniest, craziest, zaniest, most critical and sarcastic people on the planet. So, locking them in a room together is a reality show waiting to happen. So, I'm looking forward to that.

I pray for myself and my friends to catch afire with the Holy Spirit. I pray that God will ignite/reignite a passion in us. That He will give us a hope and a future. It's a little amorphous, but that's the best I can do right now.

I'm grateful for my bike, still. I'm enjoying riding it to work. Even though it's butt-cold. With my helmet (or Matt's helmet) and my other accoutremént, I feel like a different person. A biker person. It's almost like the first time I wore a baseball cap.

My prayers for two friends' jobs were answered yesterday. That was cool. One friend got a new job. The other had a tough day at work that turned out well. He said he saw the experience as an answered prayer. His recognizing the answered prayer is another answered prayer. Also, the frozen crab I cooked for my roommates didn't kill them. My first stab a crab cakes turned out pretty well. We had a good meal and a great fellowship together. Sharing more of ourselves. I love my roommates. It's hard not to see God at work when I think about them.

Not a great day, but a good day.

Day Thirty-Seven

2007-03-06T06:25:00.000-05:00

Day Thirty-Six

2007-03-05T06:36:00.000-05:00

Yesterday. What to say? I learned a lot about myself and my friends.

I bought a bike this weekend and yesterday was my first ride. It's been a while since I've ridden and my first attempt was a somewhat hilly, eight-mile stretch...in the freezing cold...with no gloves...and a malfunctioning seat...with a Nazi for a riding coach. It turned out to be a good challenge. I was especially grateful for the Nazi. I quit a few times on some of the later hills. My legs just would not do it. So I just stopped. The Nazi yelled and pushed and pulled and got me through it. And, in the end, I did it.

This experience reminded me that I can't do it alone. It was the life-application portion of a sermon God had just preached to me a few days earlier. In my quest for self-sufficience, I wanted to believe that when things got tough or when I needed a push, I could find the coaching and the mentoring within myself. I wanted to believe that I could be my own accountability partner, but I can't. Apparently, it is not good for man to be alone. I think it was Shakespeare who said that.

But I could be wrong.

I am grateful for the strength and frailty of my friends, even when it puts me in awkward positions. It makes them human. Just like me, sometimes.

A prayer I saw answered was for my bike. I bought it off Craig's List. It was originally promised to someone else, but I really wanted that particular bike and was in a Joel Olsteen sort of mood, so I prayed that it would be mine anyway. On Thursday, I prayed that I would get an e-mail at work about the bike. I waited all day at work and the e-mail never came. But, as I was packing up to go to Living Waters, the phone rang. It was the seller calling to say that the other buyer hadn't shown up so if I wanted the bike it was mine. Bless my Father, the Living God, who cares about even the frivolity in my life.

I pray today I can find a good suit at the sale at Filene's. What can I say? I need a suit. I also want world peace. That is, peace within the internal worlds of my friends. Peace in their minds, peace in their bodies, peace in their spirits, and peace in their relationships. It's a selfish prayer. Frankly, I'm tired of all of the whining. And, I'm tired of my heart breaking every time I see the pain in their eyes and hear it in their voices.

I want so badly to play God. I want his power and control. But I can't imagine how much that intensity of love must cost him. Well, I guess I do have an idea.

Day Thirty-Two

2007-03-01T07:11:00.000-05:00

Tuesday was weird. As I was walking toward my building on the way to work, I saw a lot of smoke coming out of the top. It turned out that it was just the smoke stack and normal exhaust. Then as I got closer, I started to smell burning and there was a little bit of smoke coming from the bottom of the back side of the building. Just in the time it took me to walk along the back side of the building, the burning smell and the smoke got much thicker. I resolved to report it when I got to the building just in case. I stopped by and got my morning papers on my way, just as I always do. By the time I got around to the front of the building, the alarm had been pulled and people were slowly trickling out. Turns out there was a small fire in a trash can in the loading dock. That explained the smell and the area where I saw the smoke. The fire was out before the fire department arrived, en masse.

Mind you, it was already a bad morning, because I woke up with all of the (too) many things I had to do that day on my mind. A meeting that morning that I wasn't prepared for, a class presentation that evening I wasn't prepared for, a homework assignment for that evening that I wasn't prepared for, and test the next day that I wasn't prepared for. The day got worse. When we finally got into the building, it turned out that my coworker wasn't coming and I would have to prepare for her portion of the meeting to, then help our director to manage the meeting. The other bad thing is that I hadn't brought my camera, so I missed taking pictures of the smoke and the fire fighters, and the window washer who didn't realize the building was on fire until the fire trucks arrived and he realized the people were rushing out of the building for a reason. I also had some rather inconvenient gastrointestinal problems that I won't go into.

The day slowly got better and ended up being a pretty good day. The meeting was postponed (after I prepared and arrived, but whatever), my presentation went well, and my homework assignment wasn't due that night (it's a floating assingment that will be due at random, but you always have to be prepared for it). My test, which was last night, went phenomenally. I prayed for that test, but had no idea it could go that well. I maybe doubted three of my answers out of 50. I sailed through with a confidence that was clearly not accounted for by my level of preparation.

ASIDE: In case you're wondering, it's not just you. You are actually noticing a theme - a motif, if you will - of unpreparedness.

God answered my prayer for Tuesday and for my test. The jury is still out on my prayer for my friend's test, but I feel some guilt in that. Not real guilt, some neurotic guilt. Well, maybe real.

I...um...am grateful that that test went so well. I really can't explain it. It was pretty cool. Even if I failed it, that feeling was good enough for me to call it a success.

For today, I pray for tonight. It's a small group night at LW and I want that to go well. I want to feel reconnected. I'm there, I'm present, but there's something else going on. I don't know what it is. Having it identified is optional. Having it gone is mandatory.

Day Thirty

2007-02-27T07:20:00.000-05:00

I'm over- and underwhelmed. So much to do, so little time...and energy...and motivation. I'm not enjoying my cereal this morning as much as I planned to. Random thoughts, I know, but it's that kind of morning. What in the world is this day going to be like?

"Focus Abuse!"

This cereal may be legitimately nasty, but that's beside the point right now.

Yesterday was pretty good. I had my camera all day and never saw anything worth photographing. No real answered prayers either. What is wrong with this cereal? Anyway, it was just a day. I was less productive than I needed to be. Today, Lord, I've got to be off the charts productive. For no other reason than I procratinated, but I need your grace. Bless me. Which reminds me: confession. I've got to go to confession today or tomorrow. Probably tomorrow.

As for gratefulness, I guess what I'm grateful for is creativity. Creative outlets. The imagination. "It's a h#$@ of a thing," as Rick James would say. While it can be hell, it's heaven sent and can take us as close to heaven as we're able to get on this earth. I feel most alive when I'm creating and enjoying what I've made. Yesterday was a good day for that.

Day Twenty-Nine

2007-02-26T07:10:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was great. We took a trip to Great Falls (pics are available at my Flickr site), which was just what I needed: enjoying God via the beauty of his creation and the fellowship with his created. It was so much fun. On a less pleasant note, yesterday also made me feel like I'm becoming more unreliable. I don't want to be ruled by obligations as I have been in the past, but I don't want to completely disregard them.

I guess those would be my gratitude and my prayer. Thanks for a great trip and the fellowship that went along with it. And I pray that I can find a way to let my "yea be yea" without letting my "yea" run my life and cause me to become resentful and burned out.

Saturday's prayers were answered in spades. The trip from Falls Church was safe and impressive, in spite of my less than considerate design of the route. It was really good. And the wintry mix which inspired our trip to Great Falls came on Sunday morning in the form of the best snow fall all season. Thanks.

Day Twenty-Seven

2007-02-24T07:52:00.000-05:00

So, yesterday's prayer for my co-worker was not answered. It's going to make for a hilarious story. She's the most incredible storyteller I know. Everything is funny when she tells it. Everything. Gut-bustingly funny. So, I'm looking forward to that, but I really wanted her trip to be perfect. Unfortunately, she arrived to find that our company's travel office had arranged everything to her exact specifications, except that they had not booked her a room to stay in. They somehow figured she didn't need one. And the hotel where her meetings were scheduled was completely booked.

I didn't see a prayer answered yesterday that I can think of off-hand, but it was a good day nonetheless. A little weird, but good. I ended it with the thought: I have a life that I love, no matter what and I have amazing friends. I woke to the same feeling. That's what I'm most grateful for.

For today, I want a safe trip from Falls Church and a good birthday celebration...with no wintry mix.

Day Twenty-Six

2007-02-23T07:10:00.000-05:00

It's a good morning. It helps a lot that it's Friday. It also helps that I have no class and no concrete plans. That's a good feeling. REST!

My Lenten fast changed yesterday. So, I'm grateful for God's signs that we're going the wrong way. A thunderbolt by any other name stings just as sharply. It's too bad I needed it, but I'm glad it came.

God answered my prayers for the men in my Living Waters small group. Not all of them, but most of them. That was good to see. It was a good LW night. It was on the true feminine, so it was potentially a night to check-out, but pretty much everyone (including me...most of the time)stayed present.

My prayer for today is for a safe, productive, and seamless trip for my co-worker. Her horoscope promised her a bad trip full of delays and forgotten items. I rebuke that. God, I bind that right now, on Earth and in Heaven. Lord, I pray now for a good report when she comes back. Fun, jokes, laughter, joy. All of that good stuff. Thank you. In Jesus' name, Amen.

Day Twenty-Five

2007-02-22T07:06:00.000-05:00

Today, I pray for grace for tough honesty. I don't really know what else to say. I need to be honest in a way that could be risky and maybe hurtful. That stops me in my tracks in a way that little else does. I need help.

Yesterday was good, except that I missed Ash Wednesday. I really like Ash Wednesday, I just forget that it comes right after Mardi Gras at the beginning of Lent. Oh well, I'll just have to wait for the Stations of the Cross. Oh...and confession.

I don't think any prayers were answered yesterday.

Worship, my private time worship, has been really good. Not sure why, but I'm not one to look a gift horse in the mouth. Well, technically, I am, but not this horse. Thank you God for the gift of worship, and if there are strings attached or little soldiers inside, they're of God. So, even if there's a battle to be fought, and even if I die, I win in the end. Thank you.

Day Twenty-Three

2007-02-20T07:13:00.000-05:00

I have a new plan to get consistent. With the help of one of my roommates, the quintessential morning person, I'm waking up early to journal. That way, I'll have nothing else taking up my journaling time. Hopefully that will also encourage me to go to bed earlier, too. At the very least, it's making typing more difficult. So, there is a difference.

Yesterday was a long, tiring day. That will probably affect the rest of my week. I really shouldn't claim that, but it's tough not to. So, I'm going to..."acknowledge" that my energy level for the week could very well be screwed already, and I'll pray against that. I hate praying for rest and energy because I have so much unexercised control over them. But, alas, I will. I need to get more and better rest. The better part actually is God's department, so that's valid. And I really need the rest I get to return increased dividends in energy. Crap, there's my Lenten fast.

Answered prayer: is both a great choir and yesterday was a safe move and ride in one of the less safe and mechanically sound U-Haul trucks I've seen. I guess I also got my fast outlined, which was a prayer in passing.

Gratitude: God's still, small voice method of answering prayers. The answer crept up on me and before I knew it. I had the thing I've been asking for since before I had the words for it. I was distracted looking in a different direction, trying to manufacture the answer myself, which for me was akin to God's putting Adam to sleep while he made Eve. As it has been suggested in Adam's case, my being uninvolved kept me from screwing up God's plan with opinions and "help". Thank you for putting me to sleep and waking me up only in time to say "Thank you."

Day Eighteen

2007-02-15T23:55:00.000-05:00

Tonight, in the middle of our pre-game prayer before Living Waters, I noticed that I had this overwhelming need to be touched. It's tough to explain, but I needed a hug or a hand on my shoulder, something. I just needed to feel touched. In a startling change of pace, perhaps because we were already in prayer, I reached out to God instead of the people around me. I told God that he would have to be the one to touch me. He would have to be the one to meet that need. I basically demanded it.

It is something that I've felt for a long time: God's wanting me to turn to him with my needs. And so, I finally did. And he came through in a major way. In the middle of worship, the leader invited everyone to sit down for the next song and put themselves in a mindset to just receive from the Lord. I stayed standing, and as he played I felt...held. Just a full-on bear hug from God. It was incredible and just what I needed.

So that was tonight's prayer and the answered prayer, and the thing I'm most grateful for.

The worship period started out with me going directly into worship, something that hasn't happened in a long time. Recently, I've had to fight tooth and nail to get my heart and mind to a place where I can worship. Tonight, that wasn't the case. Something broke. Right away I felt God challenging me to let him be God in my life again, and I felt myself say "okay." It felt even weirder than I imagine it sounds. But it also felt like coming home.

In that moment, I also realized how much of myself I've buried and given away over the last year. In a very real way, I've lost track of who I am. I know that "I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and, gosh darnit, people like me," but I don't know why. I can imagine why: I'm basically the bomb. But in my quest to relate, I've become all things to all men and so little in and of myself.

I mistook diving headlong into the lives and interests of my friends for a part of loving them. But, alas, I was wrong. As is usually the case with love, it's an exchange. And I was holding back on the goods, not giving them a chance to get to know me and what interests me, what I'm passionate about, what makes me the person that they know and love.

It's a rookie mistake and clearly not fatal, but it's one that I'll be correcting, forthwith. I'm looking very forward to some exciting changes in my life. Starting this weekend. I have a free evening and I can do anything I want to do. Although I don't really remember what I like to do with my free time, I'm going to have a heck of a time finding out.

Day Seventeen

2007-02-14T22:55:00.000-05:00

Tonight, I'm grateful for grace. As much as I'd like God to think like I do a lot of the time. I'm glad that he doesn't because I'd be dead. If God was as unforgiving as I am or if he found the same bad habits inexcusable in me that I find inexcusable in other people, I would be "dead sleeping in my grave," as the saying goes. I'm really glad that he challenges me to come to his level rather than stooping to mine.

I did pray that I wouldn't have to go to school tonight and that prayer was answered. This was in exchange for the prayer that I wouldn't have to go to work. That one, unfortunately, was not answered. It ended up working out to be the best possible scenario, short of both work and school being cancelled.

My prayer is to linger with you. No, seriously, my prayer tonight is for courage to be honest and forthright. Even when I'm not forgiving or gracious, I want to be clear with how I'm feeling. Within reason, of course. I don't want to be cruel and tactless. I just want to be honest. Which, I guess, translates into a prayer to be loving. One aspect of love for me is sharing the truth with grace and mercy. That's what I want. Try me and build me in that. I dare you.

Day Ten

2007-02-07T23:23:00.000-05:00

I'm not sure what I'm feeling today except for tired. Today was completely redeemed by a good lunch and a good class. Yesterday, I was borderline despondent with exhaustion. Today, I'm tired, but I'm not as bad off emotionally. So, I'm grateful for lunch and class and their redemption of what could have been another bad day.

I think I've found my new camera, so that prayer was answered. Just have to get the price worked out. really looking forward to having it, so I can go out taking pictures. I'll get to go for walks and explore the area. I'm gaining weight like gangbusters, so I can use the exercise.

My prayer request is what it's been for a while - too long, I think - a scheduling anointing. Nothing short of divine intervention, except maybe discipline, will rescue me from running myself into a ditch and dragging everything in my life down with me. It all sounds very melodramatic, because it is. It's also because I'm tired and that's how I get when I'm tired. Just the same. I don't function as well and I have a lot going on that requires a reasonable level of functioning.

Also, I want Deli Devotional to go well, tomorrow. That would be great!

Day Seven

2007-02-04T23:03:00.000-05:00

I had a good day. Nothing exceptional happened, but it was a good day. I tried my hand at racquetball. I lost soundly, but built the foundation for some decent play in the future. It also made for some good male bonding time. I got the speakers back for my computer (I had taken them to work for a presentation), so I can again enjoy music and other errant noises produced by my PC. The Colts won the Superbowl and Prince performed at halftime. If either of those events had gone a different way, I wouldn't have really cared, but it's cool that they turned out as they did. Prince is a genius and the owner and coach of the Colts like to talk about God and Jesus in interviews.

There is a lot to be grateful for, and I can't really choose one thing. So, I'll just say thank you, Lord, for everything.

I don't know what to pray for either. I want a camera, but that's not really a prayer request. Well I guess it can and probably should be. I need wisdom and favor. I want a camera that I'll be happy with. That is not cheap or cheesy, and isn't too complicated for me to use. I want the ease of a point-and-shoot and the functionality and features of an SLR. I want it to inspire me and allow me to capture moments and all of the amazing beauty that God's hidden in plain sight without pulling me away from experiencing them. That's not really the camera, I guess. That's more me. Regardless, I don't want to pay more than $400.

I saw a prayer answered today, but I can't remember what it was. Crap! It's not coming to me. Several times today, I prayed to bring my mind back into focus and it worked amazingly well. That's not what I was thinking of, but it is an answered prayer. Several, actually. So that works.

Day Six

2007-02-04T00:57:00.000-05:00

Today, I prayed to get my mind back, if only temporarily and I got it. Focused, undistracted, for nearly all of Forgiveness Saturday. It was pretty cool. Forgiveness Saturday was cool, but having my mind unhijacked was even cooler.

I pray that I can rest tonight. I don't need anything fancy. Nothing supernatural. Just good, ol' fashioned sleep.

My gratitude for today is for the blessing of seeing the men in my Living Waters small group happy. It was a heavy, emotional kind of morning, but I saw them receive from God and I saw them happy. And for that, I'm grateful.

Thank you, God.

Day Five

2007-02-03T00:15:00.000-05:00

The day I feared has arrived. I don't have an answered prayer to report. I'm sure something happened, but I can't think of anything. It was a good day, just the same. I had a hard time focusing with lots going on in my head, but it all worked out.

Which reminds me, I'm grateful for good friends. I had what could have been a tough conversation with my best friend, but he made it easy. Always coming through in the clutch, that guy. One of these days, I won't be surprised when that happens. I'll expect it.

That, I guess, is my prayer for tonight: that I find a way to trust the goodness that I see in the people closest to me. I don't have any trouble seeing good in people. It does get harder as people get closer to me for me to trust that. It's like my trust and discernment are far-sighted.

Maybe it's my defensiveness. I've let these people in and now I'm on guard, looking for their one false move that will end in my being hurt. So, I see the good which is always in front of me, but my focus is on the bad. Just in case.

That is dead. There's no life in that and I want it gone.

So, Lord, free me to trust without guardrails and defenses all of the people you've invited into the depths of my life. I'll get hurt, but so what? It won't be the first time and it won't be the last. That's life. That's love.

Day Four

2007-02-02T01:37:00.000-05:00

Today, Living Waters came through on both the grateful thing and prayer answered fronts. The prayer that was answered was not one that I prayed, instead it was one prayed for me. I shared with a team member that I needed to feel reconnected. She prayed that God would meet me in worship. He waited until the end and then stopped me cold with a word of Encouragement directly from Him to me.

I'm grateful that I am the first-fruit of the work of God's hands. I am His tithe. He created me for exclusive communion with Him, but in an act of sacrifice, He gave me to the Church. To further it. To build it. To maintain it. So that there will be meat and sustinence and life in it.

Today, I pray that I can live up to my peculiar and specific purpose for being on this planet. I have my flaws, but all in all I'm a pretty cool individual. I want to live like only I can. Tomorrow, I want to make a difference in a life in a way that only someone that God created to be me could pull off. Tomorrow, I want to have a for-such-a-time-as-this moment. Amen.

Day Three

2007-02-01T00:08:00.000-05:00

Today, I pray that I can be genuine. I wrote a post about my being a spin doctor. I never finished it. I don't want to be a spin doctor. I want to be a straight shootin' son-of-a-gun. I'm getting better, but I want to arrive, already. I want people to know exactly where I stand and where they stand with me.

I'm grateful for my life. I bless God that I can be happy (or sad, when the mood strikes me) and not feel guilty about it. I can have joy and happiness, and not have a tagline playing in the back of my head: "This moment of bliss is brought to you by Ignorance and Denial, LLC." Right now there are plenty of things in my life that I'm screwing up consistently, things that are going wrong with no help from me consistently, things that I'm working on changing consistently. Everything is not perfect. I'm not perfect. But, I'm still happy. I still have joy. And I'm incredibly grateful.

I got to work this morning with a wrenching stomach pain. I decided it was hunger and maybe it was. Maybe it wasn't. Either way, I decided to eat. But I didn't have anything to eat except my lunch. So, I prayed. "God, I need food." Lo and behold, I opened the refrigerator to stow my lunch and there was a yogurt I had put in there a week ago, but had never had a chance to eat. I asked and I received. Not quite as cool as yesterday's answered prayer, but my stomach pain went away.

Day Two

2007-01-30T22:59:00.000-05:00

Tonight, I saw prayers answered. Prayers I should have prayed and prayers I forgot I prayed. As I was leaving school, I just made a train that I should have missed. Really, I did miss it. At the last minute, the doors reopened for no reason. I rushed on and collapsed in a heap of gratitude.

Shortly afterward, I got a call that only made matters better. It was bad news, but it was the best bad news ever. A friend had gotten some bad news, but hearing him tell the story, I was filled with pride at how he handled it. It reminded me what a strong and brave man he is, something I'm not sure he really knows about himself. What's more, this experience has given him a glimpse into that strength, something I prayed for him a while ago and had long since forgotten until tonight.

So my prayer for tonight is that he can boot and rally. In college terms, "boot-and-rally" described the act of getting drunk, vomitting, and then going right back to the drunken partying with a clean slate, so to speak. I pray he can process the bad news without allowing it to immobilize him: taking strength from the fact that the situation didn't kill him and from the knowledge of how brave he was to take a chance in the first place.

Today, to end my class, my teacher had us listen to the story of Gideon. I know the story, and it's pretty incredible. I had never payed attention to the beginning, though. God told Gideon he was going to use him to defeat the Midianites. He told him if he had any doubts he should go with his armorbearer down to the Midianite camp and eavesdrop on their conversation. Apparently Gideon did have some doubts, because he went. What he heard was one Midianite soldier telling another about a dream he had the night before. The second Midianite soldier said, "That dream can only mean that Gideon's God is going to give him the power to kill us all." I gave God one of my knowing, you're-so-ridiculous looks. All of that to say, today I'm most grateful that God is still up to his old tricks and he has been doing the amazing things he does in my life for a very long time.

Promises, Promises

2006-12-23T08:38:00.000-05:00

This morning's Bible reading was 2 Kings 8:16-24. Basically, David's great-great (and so on) grandson was king of Judah. He was not listening to God and was leading the nation away from God. But God wouldn't punish him and destroy Judah, even though it sounded like he really wanted to, because of a promise he made to David. Verse 19 really struck me:

"Yet the LORD would not destroy Judah for David his servant's sake, as he promised him to give him alway a light, and to his children."

That's KJV, of course. The Message translation says that God "promised to keep a lamp burning through David's descendants."

That got me to thinking about what promise God has kept for me that I want for my descendants. My first thought was that I want to be alive when Jesus comes back, because I really want to see the sky crack, so there shouldn't be too many descendants to bless. At the rate I'm going, I'll be lucky to see great-grandchildren.

Next, I thought about all of the stuff that God's kept constant in my life. I got a little overwhelmed and started feeling really grateful. Then, I thought about how much crap God has put up with from me, and I started feeling really ungrateful.

When I finally settled down to get serious, I came up with three things. I want my kids and grandkids (and great-grandkids, if the Lord should tarry) to have the incredible joy, the friendship with God, and the favor with man that God has blessed me with for as long as I can remember. These are the things that, for me, have defined my life and made it worth living. Even if everything else was going to pot, I could always count on them. I want my children to have that same confidence.

That's the promise that I want.

Happy (Belated) Birthday To Me!

2006-12-18T23:07:00.000-05:00

Somehow I managed to not post this after I wrote it on my birthday last year (May 18th, 2005). Oddly enough, I was thinking along the same lines then as now. At least I'm consistent, I guess. Here's the blog:

Happy Birthday To Me!

So, today is my birthday. My 30th, actually. Ehhh…not such a big deal. I was expecting fireworks, a minor earthquake, at least some mild flatulence. But nothing. This side of 30 looks just like the other. The thunderbolt of wisdom, ambition, maturity and motivation that was scheduled to strike me this morning was clearly derailed somewhere in the upper stratosphere. I don’t even have any regrets. Well, there was that thing with two girls and the midget and the miniature schnauzer and the Baked Alaska that was surreptitiously caught on videotape. But, I regretted that last year. Plus, I recovered the videotape master and all of the copies were destroyed in that fire, so that doesn’t really count.

Seriously, though, I’m not mourning a misspent youth or squandered potential, or even rethinking my game plan. No major resolutions. Nothing. It feels good, I guess, if anticlimactic. So often people (and by “people” I mean that shadowy conglomerate noted when you have no one specific to blame) say, “if I knew then what I know now…” As it happens, I did know yesterday what I know today: life started a long time ago. I used to think that there was a magic point when my life would really begin – after high school, after college, with my first real job, with marriage, with my first child, on my 30th birthday. But as more and more of those magic turning points came and went without the accompanying magic turn, I realized that this, whatever I’m doing right now, is my life. A wise woman shared a quote with me, “Every step of the journey is the journey.” This is it. For better or worse.

I learned through lesson after lesson that becoming a different person is about being a different person, not vice-versa. If there’s a change I want to see, then I have to make it. One decision at a time. If I want to become more responsible, then I have to be more responsible, one kept promise at a time. If I want to become nicer, then I have to be nicer, one random act of kindness at a time.

Freewill is a heck of a thing. With every moment I choose and design the person that I want to be and the life that I want to live. I can be on time or not, I can give or not, I can forgive or not. It’s up to me, but I have to understand that every choice affects the choices after that choice. And every choice shapes my character. It's an important thing to remember as I slowly run out of choices.

If I Can't Say A Word...

2006-12-17T22:59:00.000-05:00

Some psychological study just published findings that the real test of any relationship is not how the two people handle fights, hardship, or tragedy. Instead, it is how they handle each other's good news.

Shrinks have been getting it right recently, as they more often "discover" the practical applications and wisdom of Biblical truths. Tonight, for me, was a demonstration of the whole good news thing. I heard good news about a good friend of mine. As I thought about it my heart got so full that I could literally feel it swelling. I was so overwhelmingly happy and so full of joy, and pride, and love, and worship. It's been a long time since I've felt that.

I need more good news!

More Fred (Part Two)

2006-12-10T12:16:00.000-05:00

As I listened to the Fred Hammond mix, the song "Simply Put" stuck in my head. Quite fittingly, it talks about the methods and motives of church, religion and relationship that end up distracting us from expressing our truest needs to God and receiving his answer to them.

Give the lyrics a read:

I don’t really need to tell someone their future
I don’t really have to see the things that can’t be seen
I don’t need another hyped-up church encounter
Or another clever New Year’s theme

I’m not looking for another goose bump sermon
Or a word that leaves me passed out on the floor
My basic needs are really rather simple
To know you love me, you like me, and I am yours

My learning could go on throughout the ages
But I just need the plain and simple of what’s real
I could memorize and quote a million pages
But I’d rather just express the way I feel

I tried so hard to know the deepest revelation
So I could stand and tell the nation what it means
But I found the greatest gift wrapped in your salvation
It’s really much more simple than it seems

So I relinquish all my witty observations
Leave my so-called sacred knowledge at the door
When you died you answered every single question
You said you loved me, you liked me and I am yours

My learning could go on throughout the ages
But I just need the plain and simple of what’s real
I could memorize and quote a million pages
But I’d rather just express the way I feel
All those complicated things have no appeal
So I’d rather keep it simple, keep it real

Yes I’m done with all the things that make it difficult to know
You love me, you like me and I am yours

More Fred (Part One)

2006-12-10T11:47:00.000-05:00

I started off this morning with an overwhelming barrage of thoughts: friends; church; plans for the day, the month, the rest of my life. All good stuff, but my initial purpose in starting up that train of thought was prayer. I wanted to talk to God, but I ended up talking to my friends and myself. It's been happening a lot more often lately, and it's a little troubling.

For me, it's more evidence that my heart is divided. God has given me so much, more than I could possibly explain in words, including the things that are now distracting me from him. All he asked for in return was my heart, and I am having a hard time giving him that. It's most evident in how I spend my time. For years, I had a schedule that included him, now that time has been given to my friends and my church work. All good stuff, but...

So, I stopped trying to pray. Instead, I spent some time in meditative worship. I turned off my phone, so that I wouldn't be interrupted by the call that I was expecting from a friend of mine. Then, I turned on some music - a mix of mellow Fred Hammond tunes - and closed my eyes.

As I listened, I tried to envision myself standing, singing before Jesus on the cross as I often do. Nothing came. I thought, "Crap, I must be further gone than I thought."

The image of the cross came in time, first empty, then with Jesus on it. I sang. Then my mind kind of went off in it's own direction. The vision went differently than it ever had before.

Usually, I'm alone, singing and kneeling or standing. This time, I was surrounded by a crowd of people. I sang, then they started singing along. As the song reached it's climax, the crowd chopped the cross down. They broke it off of its foundation, then carried it flat on their shoulders. As we walked away from Calvary, we raised the cross with Jesus on it, and marched singing into the city. It was pretty cool.

Hanging By A Moment

2006-10-21T17:46:00.000-04:00

What happens when a moment of decision passes without us knowing it? Can that really happen? More to the point, would God let that happen?

I just had the chance to be there for one of my friends in what could have been a time of need, but I didn't take it. Ordinarily, I know when moments like that come because there's a nagging in my gut (i.e., the Holy Spirit) letting me know that I'm at a crossroads of decision. Usually, I get some clarity on what the right decision is and an urging to choose the right option, or at least to make some decision. I'd like to say I always go with the right option, but it's kind of a crap shoot.

This situation was a different animal altogether. As in other moments like this, I didn't know there was a decision to make. So, I did nothing. After a couple of minutes, I thought "Darnit, that might have been important." Then regret set in. Of all of the things that I regret in my life, the majority are moments like this.

But what happens in these moments, spiritually speaking? Is the Spirit speaking as it always does and I just can't hear it? Are these just non-events and I'm not hearing anything because there's nothing to hear? Is the Spirit silent because God is taking off the training wheels and expecting me in my maturity to recognize the moments and the correct choices that He is usually so careful to point out? Is the Spirit silent because I'm not supposed to do anything and He knows if He even mentions that there's a decision to make I'll jump into action and screw it up? Is the remorseful aftertaste conviction or condemnation?

Alas, so few definitive answers, so little time.

That Guy

2006-10-06T15:46:00.000-04:00

A month or so ago, I was dragged (okay, gently enticed) by a group of friends to go see Snakes on a Plane. As we drove to the theater it was resolved that, for the sake of this particular screening, we would be “those guys.” We would be the group that laughed a little too raucously, that offered the slightly offensive play-by-play commentary audible to everyone in the theater, that cheered at every bit of asinine dialogue spoken by Samuel L. Jackson. Yeah…those “those guys.”

I knew I couldn’t be one of “those guys” no matter how hard I tried. To be honest, “those guys” bring out my inner Pharisee. I’m annoyed and offended by their very being in my presence. Then I get annoyed at myself because I walk out of theater thinking, “What are you upset about? It’s effing Cabin Fever. What do you really think you lost in that 15 seconds of dialogue they talked through? The meaning of life?”

Luckily for me, the decision was taken out of my hands. The part of “those guys” was already being played by a rowdy group of teenagers a couple of rows behind us. They were clearly pros, because they were heckling the on-screen print advertisements when we walked in.

I introduced the “those guys” concept because last night I was “that guy.” Not a heckler, but a much more insidious member of the “those”/”that” people family. Have you ever met someone who is completely off-putting in social situations? Who only gets more off-putting when he tries to be warm or funny? Whose every attempt at engagement only incites more pity as you see it’s not getting any better? I was “that guy.”

Last night was my first meeting as an assistant leader for my Living Waters group. Everything I said came out in the same annoying, preachy tone of voice. My testimony, instructions, encouragement, a joke here or there, all came out sounding like a hellfire and damnation sermon on a loop.

Granted, I’m probably being a little hard on myself, but it doesn’t change the root issue: I was performing. I was feeling unworthy to be in that position. I was trying to prove to them and to me that I deserved to wear the special nametag rather than the normal one like theirs. I felt myself doing it and I was mad at me.

Things eased up as the night ended. Jesus smiled at me and said, “No, you don’t deserve the nametag. But, I didn’t deserve the cross. Life’s unfair, but it’s working in your favor. Be grateful. Now, make yourself useful and lay hands on somebody.”

So, I got over myself. I got focused on God and he prayed through me. It was a good night.

Other Voices, Other Rooms

2006-09-05T13:49:00.000-04:00

Life is good. However, my life is in flux and I’m not sure I like it.

I have a couple of friends who are very into being “unsettled.” They use the term primarily to describe their faith, although it describes the rest of their lives just as accurately. It refers to a constant state of discontent, of striving and pressing for bigger, better, higher and deeper. It’s an interesting concept – biblical, even – but it’s not my style. I am a creature of habit and over-planning. Like most natural phenomena, I am in constant quest for equilibrium and stasis.

Right now, my new house is very unsettled. It doesn’t look like it’s going to look. With my brother staying with us, the line-up isn’t what it’s going to be. I don’t have bedroom furniture, so most of my stuff is not where it’s going to be. We’re still working out daily schedules and feeling each other out. We have to decide how kitchen and bathroom drawers and cabinet space will be used. I’m still trying to find the quickest route to work. So much is up in the air, and my obsessive-compulsive Spidey sense rarely stops tingling.

Several times a day, the chorus of Switchfoot’s “This Is Your Life” plays in my head. It’s as if it is confirming that, regardless of the temporary flux, my reality has permanently changed or at least relocated.

What I do know for sure, so far, is that God has answered my prayers and given me awesome housemates and a great house. I can already feel him building relationship and ministry through the situation. I can feel him growing, stretching, and testing me.

I’m excited to see what he has in mind for us and the house. And I’m curious to see the ripple effect that this decision will have on my destiny, like a kid on Christmas morning. God’s plan is a weird, wild, exciting, and sometimes disconcerting, thing.

House Warming

2006-09-02T00:33:00.000-04:00

Today I took one of the most amazing showers of my life, in part because it was in my new house. I was a little wary of the jacuzzi tub/shower combo (I'm not a bath person), but I have seen the error of my ways. It was indicative of the rest of my experience with the new place. It's still a little foreign - it will be a couple of weeks before I can get dressed without being completely disoriented, because everything is not where I think it should be.

It's been great. The place is awesome. I've had it to myself everytime I've been in it, except for the omnipresent repairmen. I'm excited to have such an attentive and responsive landlord. It's a nice change.

I'll write more as it happens. My housemates move in tomorrow and I still haven't slept there. So all I can say is it's beautiful and full of boxes. I'll have to post some pictures.

Jesus Invade (Thanks, Olu)

2006-08-18T17:01:00.000-04:00

In a couple of hours, we'll sign the lease on our house! My prayer for the house has been, is, and will be that it is a home dedicated to God. Like Hannah's surrender of Samuel, he gave the house to us as the answer to our prayers and we give it back to him.

My prayer is captured perfectly by Watermark's "Invade":

Come in, invade all you see of us
Any man who walks your road is welcomed here
And you’re the only one

Jesus, come and walk the halls of this house
Tread this place and turn it inside out with your mercy

Jesus, teach us the prayers that open these doors
Until your light floods in and illuminates these floors

And let your truth be on our steps and in these rooms
Jesus invade

Reach in with the hand that heals all our suffering
Conquer all that is not of you, bring your Spirit through
As we fill these walls with your praise

Amen.

Why I Love DC and Need a Camera and a Girlfriend

2006-08-17T20:45:00.000-04:00

This evening I was reading in the Starbucks in Chinatown. I made the mistake of looking out the window and lost 10 minutes of my study time.

A man, who was ostensibly homeless, fashioned a make-shift gym on the corner of 7th and H Streets, right in front of Fuddruckers. He could have just as easily been just another functionally-issued, workaday District resident, like the rest of us. In any event, he removed his shirt and hat and placed them with his bag in what I assume was the locker room section, then he spread out a bath towel on the sidewalk. He stood opposite the towel, wearing sunglasses, what looked like a swim cap, and shorts that he hiked up to reveal the legs of his boxers.

He paused for a moment, to steady his breathing probably, then launched into a full-body warm up sequence. This was followed by calisthenics. Next, he laid down on the towel to do double-time crunches. Then, he was back on his feet for standing dumbbell and dumbbell hammer curls with a 20lb free weight that he pulled from his bag.

After hiking up his shorts, which had apparently fallen and no longer exposed his underwear, he performed a vigorous, hip-hop dance routine. This went on for a minute or so, until he reached into his pocket to pull out a stopwatch. He laid it, then himself, on the towel and started doing pushups. Back to standing. Rehike shorts. Another minute of hip-hop dance aerobics. More pushups. And repeat. The session ended with a few more reps with the free weight.

After what was probably 20 to 25 minutes (of which I sadly sat, rapt, for 10) he took off his sunglasses, put on his hat, and pulled on a rope chain with a large wall clock pendant, a la Flava Flav. He gathered his towel, the weight and the rest of his belongings from the locker room, and strolled off.

His entire routine was interrupted by only one passerby on the busy corner - during the after work/happy hour/dinner rush, mind you - who probably asked for directions, cigarettes or spare change. After he left, his street corner work-out room was again absorbed into the fabric of the city. Pedestrians trod the space completely heedless of all that had just come to pass.

I'm not jaded, per se, but there's not much I haven't seen in this city and there's not much that would surprise me. Suffice it to say, I didn't see this one coming. My first thoughts were "this would make a great picture," and "I want to call my girlfriend and tell her there's a guy exercising on the street corner." Alas, I have neither a camera nor a girlfriend, so blogging will have to do.

More Than Able

2006-08-10T23:00:00.000-04:00

I've been house hunting lately. A couple of friends and I are looking to rent a place on Capitol Hill. Finding the perfect place was one battle, then securing that place another. It all seemed a sisyphean task, one that called into question my trust in God.

I posted yesterday about trust and my need to remember what God had done in the past whenever I found myself doubting him. I mentioned that trust had been a major theme in my dialogue with God, in large part because of the moving situation.

Yesterday I heard a song that spoke directly to my situation. "More Than Able" by Fred Hammond pretty much summed everything up. The second verse reads thusly:

When asked to give
A true assessment for the task before you
Stop and relive
The many ways His mighty arm has brought you through
Remember every lion's den
And don't forget your last Red Sea
Know with God there's endless possibility
So let us see ourselves as those can
Even if we can't see how
Let us see and dream, possess and build
Even if giants live there now

And if He says the land is ours then we
Should move ahead with no delay

We are more than able
Yes we are

I knew God had said the house that I wanted was ours, but there seemed to be giants standing between grasshopper-sized me and my Promised Land. The Red Sea and lion's den victories of the past faded from memory. But God wouldn't let me give up.

Per usual, God was right. We found out today that we got the house. Less than three weeks from now, I'll be living in Canaan. What a mighty God we serve. We are more than able because he is more than anything!

Adeste Fideles

2006-08-09T22:43:00.000-04:00

It’s been all about trust for me, lately. Every verse, every piece of advice has boiled down to "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not to thine own understanding."

Trust is a tall order for me. My prayers are constantly some variant of "Lord, I trust you, but help my distrust."

I know what he’s done for me, but the situations in my life start looking bigger and bigger as I look at them through the magnifying glass of my reason and my ability. And, so often that’s the only perspective I can muster.

I know he hasn’t changed and I know he’s still just as infinitely able as he’s always been. My question is never can he do it this time; it’s will he do it this time. I end up like the disciples who, after watching Jesus feed five thousand with two fish and five loaves of bread just a short while before, were beside themselves wondering how they could ever feed four thousand with only a few fish and seven loaves of bread.

Trust. I am learning to trust. It’s a slow process, but I’m on the road. I believe that, in the past, when he fed me, when he clothed me, when he healed me, when he delivered me, when he saved me, when he died on the cross for me, he was just putting into action the love that was in his heart for me.

My new challenge is believing that his love for me doesn’t change. It is understanding that I didn’t earn any of those things with my actions or some inherent worth. So, when I doubt he’ll come through for me because I’m not feeling that I or my actions are particularly worthy of his love, I can remember that none of that matters. All that matters is that he loves me and that will never change.

Joyce Meyer said, "An important part of Jesus’ nature is His emotional maturity, which includes unchanging stability."

"You ain't got no alibi..."

2006-08-01T22:58:00.000-04:00

I’ve got to get some ugly friends.

For as long as I can remember, the majority of my friends have been beautiful women. So, for years I’ve been surrounded by women who draw more attention than the Macy’s Day Parade, women I probably wouldn’t have a chance at dating. On the plus side, I end up looking like a reasonable catch to women and a pimp (or as my friend Rob says, "pelmp") to other men.

These women are not just beautiful, they're also amazing people and friends. Still, it’s not nearly the male fantasy that it sounds like. Having these women as friends eliminates them from my dating pool, which is already more like a puddle. Dating a friend sounds good in theory, but in practice, not so much. Getting out of the "friend zone" is hard work. I tried it a long time ago and it’s not worth it.

Also affecting my dating decision is the disclosure factor among friends. You know all that stuff that women don’t tell their boyfriends because they’re afraid it will make them less attractive, well I know all that stuff. And you know what? It might not make a huge difference if I were already in a relationship, but it does make me think twice about starting one.

Then, there’s the female detail-orientation. As the resident expert in male behavior, a lot of information is bounced off me. Let me assure you, men’s foulest locker room talk is like the Sermon on the Mount compared to the intimate details some women share about their personal lives. My ears have been defiled.

This all came up because of the most recent drawback I discovered: crazy stalkers. A good friend of mine has caught the attention of a certifiable lunatic, who I’m pretty sure is following her around. He’s watched us together several times, talking and having a good time because that’s what we do. And because he’s crazy, he assumes that I’m her boyfriend and the only roadblock to their eternal bliss and has said as much.

I have no qualms about laying down my life for one of my friends, I’d do it in a heartbeat for any of them. But, I’ve always pictured myself donating a vital organ, running into a burning building, or drowning while swimming them to safety. Being killed by a crazy guy with a crush or going to prison for killing him in self-defense wasn't really part of the vision. I'll do it, mind you, but it's not ideal.

Of course, this wouldn’t be an issue if I just had ugly friends.

Sing, Fred!!

2006-07-29T00:51:00.000-04:00

Although our first attempt to see Fred Hammond two weeks ago was foiled by an unannounced cancellation, my co-workers and I persevered. Our efforts were rewarded tonight with great seats at a Fred concert. It was, in a word, incredible. I actually had a hard time getting into it at first, but then he sang (or should I say killed) Give Me A Clean Heart.

I'm not sure if there were instruments involved, but I know he sang it without backup singers. A calypso-speed metal quartet could have joined in, for all I know. All I heard from the fourth or fifth realm of heaven where I was worshipping was his voice. The arrangement made the most of his perfectly pure and controlled voice, and his second alto to first soprano range.

As if I wasn't already in tears, he followed it up with my favorite of all of his songs, Don't Pass Me By. It tells the story of Blind Bartimeus from Mark 10:46-52, then relates it to his own life. It's sobering and humbling and anthemic for me every single time I hear or sing it. Here are the lyrics:

There was a blind man on the road side and he heard a commotion
It was Jesus passing by with a crowd and it stirred his emotion
He'd been displaced his whole life
Should he even try

"Don't bother Jesus," they said,
"You have nothing to offer.
Stay in your place."
Right then he knew he had to choose
He had nothing to lose

So he cried, "Jesus, I need you,
Please don't pass me by."
He cried out, "Jesus, I'm not ashamed
To tell you I need you in my life."

I'm not much different from that man and this is the honest truth
Could this simple one with this messed up life, could I ever serve you
People and things clutter my mind
Should I even try

"Don't bother Jesus,"
That's what they say,
"You have nothing to offer.
Stay in your place."
I must admit I need you in my life

So I cry, "Jesus, I need you,
Please don't pass me by."
I'm crying out, "Jesus, I'm not ashamed
To tell you I need you in my life."

As the deer panteth
Thirsting for the water
My soul desires and longs to be with you

I don't mean to waste your time
But I can't listen to the crowd
Of situations in my life
Telling me to keep it down
'Cause I need you

I know I'm broken but you can heal me
Jesus, Jesus, I'm calling you
Might not be worth much, but I'm still willing
Jesus, Jesus, I'm calling you

Phoblography: 'Family'

2006-07-27T22:11:00.000-04:00

Finally! Back to the Phoblographies. See the first one for an explanation of what the heck the series is all about.

I'm not sure about the rest of the world, but Black people tend to have a lot of "cousins". "Cousins" are people or families that have been around yours so long, sometimes for generations, that everyone swears they must be related somehow and only extensive DNA testing could prove otherwise. Thanks to that phenomenon, I'm "related" to half of Columbus, Ohio.

Anyway, along with a plethora of "cousins", I also have a three extra "siblings". These are my three best friends, who've been in my life so long I can hardly remember life without them and don't particularly care to. I share a bond with each of them that has transcended time, space, and everything else life has thrown at us.

The first of these is my sister, Nic. Nic and I met sophomore year of high school, but didn't really get close until Freshman year of undergrad. We both ended up at the same college, in the same dorm, just one hall apart. The rest is history. But not regular history, a John Waters or Christopher Guest sort of history.

Thinking about it now, it's hard to describe what makes her so special, but she's pretty darn amazing. She, along with my other sister who you'll meet later, is one of the most beautiful women I've ever met. We were basically inseparable for most of college, and were often linked romantically in the Kenyon Rumor Mill. I secretly didn't mind, since the rumors upped my stock in the dating pool. However, I did set the record straight when asked. She is my sister, after all.

Nic is smart and classy and cultured. She's more stylish than Carrie Bradshaw and can cook Rachel Ray under her butcher block island any day of the week. She's oddly dichotomous in that she's admittedly anti-social, but can fit into any social situation and charm the pants off anyone (a superpower that she's been known to use for both good and evil). She's also the consummate pessimist, but never fails to make me insanely happy.

She's got a great sense of humor: sometimes intelligent, sometimes raunchy, always hilarious. She's adventurous in love, travel, and cuisine, but otherwise plays it pretty safe. She was single-handedly responsible for ushering me into my college music phase, by exposing me to both high quality indie and complaint rock, and highly questionable pop and techno.

Nic is one of the few people I can talk to everyday and never run out of things to talk about. I could live entirely vicariously through her and still go to bed every night feeling like I'd accomplished something. She's led several fascinating lives.

These days she's living the domestic dream with her husband - the man I'd always prayed she'd find - and her amazing daughter, Mia. Even though I have a hard time picturing her as anything but my crazy sister, seeing her now, it almost seems she was born to be a wife and mother.

Arrestingly 'Cardiac'

2006-07-23T08:44:00.000-04:00

I love words.

You've probably already guessed that from my flagrant overuse of them, but it's true. I'm a word-packrat. I ferret away terms, phrases, quotes, bits of dialogue, poems, stories, essays and diatribes. Basically, any group of words that catches my ear, from outside or inside of my head. I keep them on lists on my computer, in my journals, in notebooks, on my Palm Pilot. I'll even type them up and e-mail them to myself or call myself and leave them on my voicemail. Here's the latest term I've added to my collection:

car·di·ac
Pronunciation: 'kär-dE-"ak
Function: adjective
Etymology: Latin cardiacus, from Greek kardiakos, from kardia
1 : essential, vital to, or at the heart of a matter.

Clearly, I've heard the word before, but never in that context. That was the way it was used in a sermon I heard yesterday on the importance of the Holy Spirit and forgiveness to missions work. Dick Foth, the preacher of said sermon, is an incredible theological mind, an awesome teacher-preacher (my favorite kind), and a long-standing friend of my church, NCC. He's also one of the few people, alive or dead, that I would consider a role model. He borrowed the usage from a friend of his, whose name I'm forgetting, but I'll credit him since he introduced it to me and I welcome any opportunity to give him a shout out.

Unconditional

2006-07-17T20:03:00.000-04:00

The research for my book turned up a book by a man named Tony Milton, who wrote:

Unconditional love has no goal in view. It simply is. It is the love that made us. I believe that this is the root of humankind’s restlessness, that we are looking for unconditional love and do not realize that it is already within us. So we fantasize and when we hear about unconditional love, we think we must emulate God and extend it to everybody immediately.

Then, of course, we flunk and feel a failure. Unconditional love is a universal
principle, but it is also a learning experience. If we take the conscious decision to choose love as our spiritual practice, our personality blooms and flourishes. We grow.

Unconditional love does not say “I love everyone equally,” but rather “I love everyone appropriately and in response to their uniqueness.” And, very importantly, unconditional love does not mean unconditional acceptance of behaviors.

Both unconditional love and boundaries have been on my mind lately both for the book and for my life, the boundaries between which are being slowly wittled away. Milton's words summed up a lot of what I've been thinking.

I've definitely made the mistake of trying to extend unconditional love to everyone, everywhere, every time. I ended up tired, used and confused. I don't have God's endless capacity for love and unfailing wisdom for how to use it. Like Milton said, unconditional love is a learning experience.

A huge part of my problem was that I didn't understand the boundaries piece of the equation. It took a while to learn that I could love and say "no" at the same time. What a concept!

I learned that I could be all things to all people and still have a clearly defined identity. I didn't have to be like a Ken doll, a different outfit and personality for every person and experience. When God sent me, he sent Me, and he meant Me. I didn't have to become something different to pull off whatever task I was there for. I just had to rely on him and the gifts he put inside of me.

He also showed me that loving my neighbor as myself, meant giving them what they need not what I think they need or what I'd need if I were them. Every person, apparently, is just as complex and layered and unique as I am. So, packaging up a one size fits all relationship and sharing it with everyone is dangerous to me and devaluing to them. I've got to draw up my boundaries for each relationship based on the reality of who I'm in relationship with.

These are all lessons I'm still learning and relearning. Luckily, God does love me unconditionally and is constantly forgiving me and welcoming me back to the drawing board.

Travelogue

2006-07-12T23:53:00.000-04:00

I spent the past couple of weeks in transit. This is not to be confused with the past few months that I spent in TRANSITION. Very different concepts. Transit, while it can be equally tiring, is shorter lived and a heck of a lot easier to pack for. Anyway, I spent 5 days in Arizona, came home for a day and a half, then jetted off to Ohio for four days.

I went to Arizona to visit my best friend, Nic. She recently gave birth to a beautiful baby girl, Mia, whose name you may remember from one of the early Prayer Dare posts (Prayer Dare: For Mia). Meeting Mia, I was overjoyed to find that the dare payed off. God answered my prayers for her in spades. She is amazing. I'm not just saying that as a proud uncle. See for yourselves.

After tearing myself away from Mia, I went to Ohio to visit my younger brother and my other best friend from high school, Vince. That was a good time and it was really good to see them, although I was still too tired from Phoenix to really engage.

So now, as I am recovering, I'm looking forward to a busy weekend. No rest for the weary, I suppose. Or is it wicked? No rest for the wicked? I don't remember. All I know is that I'm tired.

Homework

2006-07-11T23:23:00.000-04:00

This thought came to me as I was doing my homework. The question asked what fears I have about being open and honest. Technically, it said to discuss them with God, but I figured I'd write them out instead, because it helps me process. Anyway, here goes:

There's still a part of me that wants the appearance of holiness and wholeness, more than actual holiness and wholeness. The real thing takes work and patience. I have a decent work ethic, but me and patience? Not so much. The real thing is messy. It requires a process that walks you through the muck and mire on your way to ultimate glory. The ends justifies the means, by far, but who's excited about muck and mire? No, really? There's still a part of me that's still walking the tightrope between acceptance and rejection. I'd love to just say, "I don't care," but I do. Somehow it's easier to call myself a liar than a sinner. Go figure.

Then, there's need. Admitting I'm broken, is admitting I need to be fixed. Part of the reality of needing to be fixed is needing help to be fixed. Needing help goes against my creed as an all-powerful, self-sufficient hunter, gatherer, warrior. "I'm a loner, Dottie...a rebel."

The truth of the matter is God is working a bravery and risk-takingness in me that I would never have imagined existed. This has allowed me to be pretty darned honest, but there are still moments. There are still some things. There are still some people. There are still some moods. There are still some times when I just want to be weak and copout.

ID4

2006-07-04T23:11:00.000-04:00

I was hoping for something pithy to say vis-a-vis Independence Day. Independence and the celebration thereof is a topic ripe for the diatribal picking. However nothing is coming to mind, so I'll just say Happy Fourth of July! Happy Independence Day! Thank you, God, for letting me be born in a good nation in process toward becoming something greater, just like me. And, thank you to all of the men and women who have sacrificed their lives and their peace to protect mine.

Sympathy for the Devil

2006-07-03T00:43:00.000-04:00

So, I'm in Arizona for the holiday. As I went into the bathroom, I noticed what looked like a centipede crawling in the tub. The lack of traction yielded by the porcelain prevented it from climbing up the sides and escaping. So, it remained trapped, fruitlessly but diligently struggling.

My treaty with the insect kingdom reads thusly, "If I see you indoors, I will use every means within my disposal to kill you." There is an exception for spiders, who may serve as one of the "means within my disposal," as long as they are not web-slinging around my bed or my food.

Given the terms of our agreement, the bug should have been killed immediately, but I felt bad for him. To be honest, what I felt was more akin to empathy than sympathy. I know the feeling of having all the legs in the world and not being able to climb, no matter how hard you try.

Been there. Suffered that. I've been grounded on both sides of the faith-works seesaw. I've had more faith than I knew what to do with, but had visions never come to reality because I just couldn't seem to move into action. I've worked myself sick, but seen ministries die before my eyes because I refused to trust God to handle his end of the bargain. I've had all of the ability and knowledge that a job too, but still not been able to pull it off. I've spoken in angels' tongues, had gifts of prophecy, knowledge and faith, but still been useless because I didn't have love.

As I looked on, I was tempted to put the little guy out of his misery, especially after he succombed to learned-helplessness and went fetal in a corner near the drain. I thought better of it, thanking God that he never squashed and flushed me when all those times I finally gave up the struggle. That was usually about the time I finally turned to him.

In the end, the friend I am staying with noticed, killed and toileted the centipede, who actually turned out to be an earwig. I winced and hummed a bar or two of Taps as the swirling water whisked my fallen comrade off to the hell where all insects will spend eternity being pestered by annoying creatures even smaller than they.

I'll miss him... Okay, so I'm glad he's dead. But I am grateful for the lesson.

Along with my own issues, the little guy's predicament reminded me of the intro to 1 Corinthians 13 - the love chapter. In a nutshell, it says that even if I have every spiritual gift on record, if I don't have love I'm useless.

Ho, Ho, Holy

2006-06-29T21:17:00.000-04:00

Every so often, God slips me a stocking stuffer. Stocking stuffers are those little gifts that he gives me just to let me know he still up there. He's still watching, still listening. He still hears my heart even when I'm ignoring it. He still loves me and knows me. Even when I'm not wondering. Or wandering.

Stocking stuffers are sometimes an earth-shattering sunset, sometimes an ordained "coincidence" that only I will catch, sometimes the punchline to one of our inside jokes, sometimes the answer to a prayer I forgot I prayed or a found object I forgot I lost, a nudge to call someone out of the blue that leads to ministry, the perfect Bible passage to fit my situation.

Tonight's stocking stuffer was a song. A random song. A B-side on the If You Say Go album by Vineyard Music. Not really a song I paid much attention to when the CD was in heavy rotation around these parts. It's called "Make Me Whole" by Rachel Milstead, easily one of my favorite voices in Christian music. The bridge (or channel B, or whatever it is), "you carry me when I can't walk," was repeating over and over in my head as I milled around the kitchen cooking my grilled-cheese-sandwich dinner. So, I popped the CD in after dinner and memorized it. Four words: Ri Dic U Lous. I was lost in worship by the second line. If you get a chance, check out the CD and the song. Here are the lyrics:

You're the shelter of my soul
Through every drought and storm
When life leaves me worn and cold
You shelter me and peace flows
You shelter me and peace flows

Breath of God spring new life
Spirit move through my bones
Holy Love embrace me
Stir my heart wake my soul
Bring new life and make me whole

You're the light in my dark
Through seasons all alone
When my strength wanes and fails me
You carry me when I can't walk
You carry me when I can't walk
Oh carry me when I can't walk

Breath of God spring new life
Spirit move through my bones
Holy Love embrace me
Stir my heart wake my soul
Bring new life and make me whole

Peace Out!

2006-06-25T23:52:00.000-04:00

There are a lot of great things in my life that I take for granted.

One of the greatest and most indispensable is peace. It's something that God placed in the original Dennis recipe. It's not a given for everyone. God reminds me of that daily as I walk through my life. The Bible lists peace among the Fruits of the Spirit, but it's just as much of a Gift.

Along with the internal peace, I take my external peace for granted. Right now, DC is in the middle of one of several recent thunder storms that would do the Midwest proud: pelting rains, blinding blazes of lightning, and crashes of thunder that set off car alarms. All we're missing is the killer hail. I love storms like these for their awesome power and beauty, although they can be destructive and even deadly. But they're God-made.

When I hear the crashes and see the blazes and feel the pelting, I know that it's just the weather. I know it's just God taking pictures, watering the lawn, rearranging furniture in heaven. Also, not a given for everyone. Lots of people are living or maybe just surviving in a war-torn country. So they experience the exact same sensations all the time, except the crashes are bombs, the blazes are explosions and the pelting is gunfire.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not heralding the evils of war as an institution or any specific war. Even though my brother will soon begin a one year tour in Iraq and a good friend of mine will be heading over there for work, which is probably part of the reason God brought all of this up. All I'm saying is that I can't take any peace for granted. All of the peace in my life - in and outside of my head - is a gift from God and I must be grateful.

Paper Trail

2006-06-22T10:50:00.000-04:00

I'm in the process of cleaning out my e-mail inbox at work. I archive every few months, so there's nothing in there older than five months old. Just the same, it all seems like a lifetime ago. It's fascinating to read the e-mails that kicked off friendships with people it seems like I've known for all of my life, the e-mails that were foreplay to amazing moves of God in relationships and ministry. I'm reading e-mails and thinking how young we were back then, and how little we knew of life and love and things of the Spirit. I was quite literally a different person then, so it's interesting to read the old Dennis' thoughts. Just five months? Wow! It's amazing how when we're walking with God, we live in his time, where a day is like an hour (or whatever that verse is).

With time flying by, it's good to have a record of where I've been, especially since my journaling habit didn't take. Of all of the habits that just wouldn't stick, that would be the one. Wouldn't it just figure? Although, to be fair, a lot of my bad habits didn't stick either. Like the love affair with "the sauce" that marked my college years: didn't stick. I really can't thank God enough for that.

Anyway, I do have a new tool. I stole an idea from My friend Julie: sending God e-mail. I set up an e-mail account for God (thatiam@comcast.net), and I send him an e-mail at least once a day. It works out really well. The password is 10 or 12 random characters, so I can never check it and see what I wrote, but it's still a good way to talk to God. If he ever writes back, I'll probably have a heart attack, but it's great for one-way downloading.

You're welcome to use the address if you want, but I wouldn't send him any junk mail or forwards, if I were you. If you send him a Christian chain letter and your computer crashes, don't say I didn't warn you.

Up The Creek Without A Camera

2006-06-18T14:56:00.000-04:00

I spent last weekend camping with nine friends in Shenandoah. It was a nearly perfect time. I can’t remember the last time I had that much fun. We slept under the open sky (and a couple layers of nylon), we hiked for hours on end, we lazed by the campfire, we ate like royalty, and we communed with God, nature, and each other. We saw snakes, bear, deer, waterfalls, "waterfalls," gullies, mountains, valleys, and skies that would make your eyes cry in worship.

My only prayer for the trip was that God would orchestrate it so that I would have one-on-one time to bond with each person on the trip, even the ones that I didn’t know. God answered that prayer and tossed in the best weather we could have hoped for, just to show off.

Honestly, the only thing that would have made the weekend actually perfect is a camera., I didn’t know why, but as I prepared for the trip I actively avoided having a camera. Then, I ended up spending most of the hikes envisioning each scene through the lens of an imaginary and/or whining about not having a camera.

After I got home, God revealed the purpose for my cameralessness: being. For me, this trip was an exercise in just being. Not doing. God had gifted me with incredible beauty at every turn: natural, man-made, human and relational. But all of this was just to be enjoyed, not captured.

I get a little crazy with cameras. My friend, Kurt, is a photo-sniper. He’s also a Marine, so perhaps there’s a correlation. He takes one great picture per vista, catches exactly what he wants, then moves on. One shot, one kill. I, on the other hand, am the reason that God willed digital cameras into existence. I take ten or fifteen pictures per vista, and delete the shots until I narrow it down to two or three I can’t choose between.

So, God knew how distracted I would be with the process of taking pictures. In general, photography is about capturing the present for the future. It’s about capturing an experience, a mood, an emotion, a scene, a person, an expression, a moment. It’s an incredible gift. But it wasn’t for me, for that weekend. I needed to stay present to the present in the present for the sake of the present. It’s not something I do very often.

Mission: accomplished. I just beed. Sure, there was some Godly coercion involved, but it was for my best. I’m no worse for the wear and I came away with an amazing experience. I'll try it again, one day. Actually, I'll try both. Camping and being.

So. Last Night...?

2006-06-09T08:57:00.000-04:00

Last night was one of those nights.

Yesterday, I was as close to depression as I get. Having seen real depression - just balls out, only-Satan-could-orchestrate-a-hell-on-earth-like-this depression - I bless God for my temperament. I get down, but I can only go but so far down before God stops me and says, "nah, li'l Negro, that's not for you." So, this melancholy has been circling for a while. I've been in a transitional period with a finite shelf life, but without a clear plan as to how to get off the shelf. Transitional periods always get me. I'm going to be rearranging my living situation and I don't know what things will look like when I'm...when God is finished. He's dropping hints and bread crumbs, but he's as annoyingly vague yet optimistic as always. Anyway, the melancholy eagle landed yesterday, maybe the night before.

He just kind of sat there all day long until around 7:30ish. I was reading Every Man's Battle and started feeling better. It wasn't the book, or maybe it was, but I don't think so. At 8:15 or so, I met a friend and had one of the worst/best conversations of my life. That sealed it. I was happy again. Not because of the conversation or the outcome.

The conversation was like a really happy funeral. You're happy because there was singing and really nice words and lots of great memories were stirred up, and the only thing that could have made it better was a spontaneous resurrection. But you still know someone's died and your life will never be the same, and that's very sad. And you're glad they're in a "better place," even though you can't imagine a better place than there with you. You want to let go, but only because you know you have to, not because you want to or are ready to. You're feeling happy and sad and thankful and pissed and overwhelmingly loved and abandoned and reminiscing and wondering what the hell do I do now all at the same time.

Yeah, it was like that.

In the middle of this convo, I got a call saying that I was accepted into the cool people group house. It felt like high school all over again. Sitting with the cool kids at lunch. Being in with the in-crowd, going where the in-crowd goes. I felt so wanted. I'm not sure how many people they interviewed, I met three or four of the other applicants, all cute girls who would have been fun to live with. I was so not what they were looking for, but they picked me anyway. I'm one of us. Yay.

I'm easy, I know it. Just part of my charm. The only problem is I couldn't take the slot. They need someone immediately and unfortunately I'm not available immediately. That sucks so badly, I wish it could have gone differently. It really would have been like living in the real world house..."but not for me."

Dangit, I'm late. Gotta go camp.

He Who Laughs While Seated on a Throne in Heaven Laughs Loudest

2006-06-08T23:45:00.000-04:00

God had a great laugh at my expense the other night. I was heading home and telling my friend, Olu, about a long-standing complaint I had with our subway system. I have always thought that the LCD marquees on the mezzanine/ticketing level of Metrorail stations should tell you when the next train will arrive at your station, rather than just giving you system-wide elevator outage and rail delay information.

The marquees on the train platform level give both types of information, so it's clearly possible. That way, I'll know if I need to rush to catch the train, if it's a lost cause, or if I have all the time in the world. And I wouldn't have to constantly bother the info booth guy or other passengers to see which train I just missed.

She sensibly recommended that I pass on this information to the people at Metro, who could actually do something about it. I scoffed saying, I had this suggestion for a long time and didn't anticipate it moving past the mental concept stage of its development anytime soon. Clearly, God had other plans.

As soon as we got on the train and sat down, she pointed out an advertisement directly in front of us. It was a picture of the interim president of the DC transit authority. The text invited Metrorail customers to contact him with any complaints, comments, or suggestions for how Metro could better serve them.

When I have a major life decision that I fast and pray for guidance on, I'm lucky to get a still, small voice. But when he overhears me whining about public transportation, I get a burning bush. Where's the justice?

Needless to say, I wrote Metro as soon as I got home that night. They wrote me back yesterday to say that they liked my idea and would be passing it on up the food chain.

Musical Interludinality

2006-06-07T23:17:00.000-04:00

It was a...an interesting evening. A night of dreams and visions. I went to visit a group house tonight. I'm looking into some housing alternatives and the group house I visited is the dream group house. It's Real World DC. I spent the rest of the night in a record store. Midway through my time in the store, I had a vision about a friend, which I learned an hour later was more than a fleeting thought. It didn't make any sense at first, so I ignored it. To be fair to myself, it's still new to me. I'm still learning.

More than anything, though, it was a night of music. There were nearly a hundred songs bandied about, but two stood out: one God sang to me, the other I sang to him. Oddly enough, the song God sang to me was written from my point of view and the song I sang to him was mainly written from his. We're wacky like that, God and I.

God's song was "Salvation (Psalm 71)" by Shawn McDonald:

I run for dear life to you my God
I'll never live to regret it
Do what you do so well
Do what you do so well
And get me out of this mess and up on my feet

You are my salvation
You are my fortress
You are my salvation
In whom I trust

Put your ear to the ground and listen
Give me space for this salvation
Be a guest room where I can retreat
You said your door is always open
It's always open.

You are my salvation
You are my fortress
You are my salvation
In whom I trust

My God free me from the grip of the wicked
From the clutch of the bad and the bully
My God free me, free me

My song was "I'll Trust You Lord" by Donnie McClurkin:

I know that faith is easy when everything is going well
But can you still believe in me when your life's a living hell
And when all the things around you seem to quickly fade away
There's just one thing I really want to know

Will you let go (I'll trust you, Lord)
Will you stand on my Word (I'll trust you, Lord)
Against all odds will you believe what I have said (I'll trust you, Lord)
What seems impossible (I'll trust you, Lord)
Will you believe (I'll trust you, Lord)
Every promise that I made will you receive (Yes, I will trust you, Lord)

I know how bad it hurt you when that loved one's life came to an end
And when they had to leave you, you said you'd never love again
But will you trust that I can help you and I'll never turn away
Will you trust me, Child, no matter, come what may

What if it hurts (I'll trust you, Lord)
What if you cry (I'll trust you, Lord)
What if it doesn't work the first time that you try (I'll trust you, Lord)
What if you call my name (I'll trust you, Lord)
And don't feel me near (I'll trust you, Lord)
Will you still believe in me or will you fear (Yes, I will trust you, Lord)

I will trust, I will trust, I will trust, Oh

Phoblography: Family

2006-06-04T16:50:00.000-04:00

I just want to note that this is the 100th blog post for Black Sheep Diaries. It's quite an accomplishment, considering that in the first year there were only 10 posts. I've come a long way, baby. Anyway, I'll get on with the matter at hand.

The Bourne Trilogy

My grandmother, the sweetest woman in the world, decided early on that she would document our lives by taking pictures of our shoes. Every so often Granny would grab our shoes and a camera, and we'd follow her outside where she'd line them up in age order and snap away. My shoes are the pair in the middle, since I am a middle child and all that that entails. I'm not sure how many of these shots exist. I also have no idea when this one was taken.

The pair on the left belongs to my older brother. If the three of us represented high school cliques, he would be the Prep. He's the family clothes horse. His closet was the reason I was in the running for Best Dressed in my high school. He has a keen eye and impeccable (albeit pricy) taste for anything that requires coordination. Probably equal parts ladies' man and rebel, he was a tough act to follow. He was, however, an excellent trailblazer in the sense that being known as his little brother proved to be a useful calling card for the one year that we went to school together. He was also a good foil, making me look even more studious and well-behaved. In general, he has always been popular with people of all ages, the favorite in most cases. Fast-forward to present day and we are flatmates. As adults, we haven't managed to identify any more similarities, but we have found that our differences complement each other quite well.

It's hard to imagine someone more different from me than my older brother, until you figure in my younger brother, the owner of the shoes on the right. My younger brother is the family Jock. He inherited the bulk of my father's athleticism. As children, we did almost everything together and had big fun doing it. In fact, we were raised almost as twins, because we were about the same size until a couple of uncontested growth spurts secured his status as the tallest and brawniest of the three. He was the secondary ladies man and the primary rebel. He was just as popular as my older brother with his peers and also a snappy dresser, although he has always leaned more toward urban fashions. Actually, he gravitated toward all-things urban, in spite of our mostly suburban upbringing, and insisted on calling my college-prep high school "The Wellington School of Etiquette." Nowadays, he's an Army MP with a wife and four kids. A meat and potatoes kind of guy, to balance out my older brother's "champagne wishes and caviar dreams." Unfortunately, we've yet to reach the same detente of complimentarity in our differentness, but I'm still holding out hope.

I round out the group as the Brain. And, in case you were wondering, I lost the Best Dressed title and instead ended up as Most Likely To Become President.

Phoblography: Family

2006-06-03T14:24:00.000-04:00

Mi Padre

I had no recollection of this picture before scanning it for this post. It is a great shot of my dad and me, nonetheless. I believe I was three here, so my dad would have been 23. He is also my namesake (or I'm his, I don't remember how that works): I'm Dennis Jr. After years of rejecting the idea, I recently decided that there will be a Dennis III. We'll have to call him "Tres" or something, two Dennises is confusing enough.

I was extremely afraid of the water as a child and still don't know how to swim. My dad had a great way of making you feel completely safe when he held you, which explains my happiness. He was also very playful, however, so chances are I would have been dunked and bawling soon after this picture was taken.

My dad is the source of my renaissance-manliness. He's a great businessman, athlete, and artist. My spurts of business sense and athletic prowess come from him. He was an entrepreneur and engaged in a variety of business ventures in my childhood. Being a great provider was always his strong suit. He played football and basketball very well, and can probably still outrun me running backwards. My intelligence and creativity also come from him.

My dad is an odd combination of workaholic and party animal, something else I inherited although both in more moderation. He's an all around cool guy and is very dedicated to his friends, as am I. The only thing I didn't inherit was his skill as a ladies man, that went to my brothers. Although I was a carbon copy of my mother for most of my young life, I look more like my father every year. Between the two of them, I have a great shot at looking twenty something well into my forties.

Phoblography: Family

2006-06-01T22:55:00.000-04:00

For my next trick, I will explain my life in pictures. Or, more accurately, using pictures. I figured I'd start at the foundation: my family.

Those Kelley Girls

This is one of my favorite photographs in print. It just so happens to be of my mother. That's her in the middle with my aunts. She's about two there, I believe.

The women of the Kelley clan are the stuff of legend. Incredibly strong, fiercely resilient and deeply loving with life stories to rival the best Toni Morrison and Terry McMillan have to offer. An African slave woman named Sally was the first of them and they've been rolling ever since.

My mother lives up to the tradition, although she's on the more reserved end of the spectrum. She's a woman of quiet strength with a faith that screams. Her grassroots relationship with God is about as old as this picture and was the first and best inheritance I received. She is also the source of my smile, my freckles which come and go, my hairline, my interest in teaching and youth ministry, the reserved side of my demeanor, and my passion for experiencing God through his creation.

Happiness Is...

2006-05-31T22:14:00.000-04:00

In middle school choir, we sang a song called "Happiness Is" from You're a Good Man Charlie Brown. I can vaguely remember the tune and none of the words. What I can remember, however, is some of the lyrics from the dirty version of the song that we crafted in our down time. I'll spare you the details, as they are beside the point.

I only brought up the song, because it was the first thing that popped into my head as I loosed my brain to explore the meaning of happiness. As I look around my life, I see a lot of people who are not as happy as they should be. These people appear to have so much going for them, but can't find a way to make it enough for sustained contentment or security. Ironically, this knowledge does not stop me from envying them.

I have my moments, but for the most part I'm a pretty happy person and I always have been. I can honestly say what I have is more joy than happiness. I'm not feeling Bibly right now, so I'm not going to bore you or me with an exegesis or isogesis of scriptural references as to the difference. Suffice it to say, my sunny disposition is not always justified by my surroundings or my situation. Even though my life, in general, is pretty darn sweet.

Now that I'm three paragraphs into this post, I realize that I don't have a point. I really don't. I guess I really just want the people I care about to be happy...especially if I'm wasting time being jealous of them.

"Though your sins be as scarlet..." Isa 1:18

2006-05-31T03:48:00.000-04:00

In case you didn't notice, there has been a bit of a face lift here in the Black Sheep Diaries. The redo was inspired by my wonderful friend's suggestion for increased readability. It's still a work in progress, so don't be surprised if we land somewhere completely different.

If you have comments or suggestions, feel free to pass them along. Mi blog es su blog.

God Bless,
The Black Sheep

Don't Forget To Remember

2006-05-29T01:05:00.000-04:00

I've been feeling very unchanged lately, but today God reminded me that I am. Today in church service I did something I've never done before. I worshipped at the foot of the cross.

The folks at Living Waters are huge into two things: the cross and visualization. Both came into play, today as Pastor Mark talked about remembering how you met Jesus. Toward the end of the sermon he told us to imagine ourselves watching from the crowd as Jesus' was tried, tortured and crucified. My vision was so vivid that it was like a memory of somewhere I had actually been. Pastor Mark talked us through the trial, torture and execution, and that's pretty much all I remember of the last part of the sermon. I stayed in my vision at the foot of the cross until the service was over. I was in and out to get directions and lyrics, etc, but I was there.

Worship is normally a very self-conscious exercise for me. I'm very aware of what I'm singing, how I sound and what the people around me are up to. This time, I was standing at the foot of the cross singing to Jesus as he died and all of that fell off. We sang "Before You" (lyrics are below), which is an amazing song to sing to Jesus on the the cross. Next, we had communion. It was a...I can't even say what it was like having communion in that vision: eating Jesus' "body" as he hangs with his flesh exposed and broken, and drinking his "blood" as he is bleeding in front of you. Our closing song made for an equally surreal, and somewhat ironic, experience. It was "How Great Is Our God." Singing about how great God is as his Son hangs dead was pretty awesome. It felt really defiant, like a big up-yours to the devil.

It wasn't about the resurrection for me today, like it usually is. It was about the death, about the cross. Jesus' resurrection showed me how to live free, but it was his death that made me free. And that was what I was celebrating. Being free to worship at the foot of his cross.

Here are the song lyrics:
Before You by Steph Modder

Lovely One, God's own son, came for me. Left his home, came alone, all for me. Humbled here, so many tears cried for me. Took my shame as your name, you died for me. Before you I am made pure. Before you I am restored. In you I am reborn, all my sin you made yours. Such amazing love. The sin you've taken from me you cast to the bottomless sea, set me free. Precious Lord, the pain you bore, was Life for me. Precious Lord, the death you wore, was Life for me. Open up, oh heaven's cup, spill over. Spill over me.

How Great Is Our God by Chris Tomlin
The splendor of a King, clothed in majesty. Let all the earth rejoice, all the earth rejoice. He wraps himself in Light, and darkness tries to hide and trembles at His voice, trembles at His voice. How great is our God, sing with me. How great is our God, and all will see how great, how great is our God. Age to age He stands and time is in His hands, beginning and the end, beginning and the end. The Godhead Three in One: Father, Spirit, Son. The Lion and the Lamb, the Lion and the Lamb. Name above all names, worthy of all praise. My heart will sing how great is our God.

"I don't buy it."

2006-05-27T23:47:00.000-04:00

I have a couple of good friends who have taken to saying "I don't buy it" whenever something I say doesn't quite jibe with their somewhat idiosyncratic sensibilities. I literally want to shoot them every time they say it. In part, because it's often the response to a relatively innocuous statement based on some common-sense concept. For instance, I told one of them that I occasionally supplement my deodorant with body powder and it helps absorb excess perspiration. "I don't buy it." BANG!

In his inimitable way, God used my homicidal frustration as a teaching tool to show me my own hypocritical idiocy. God's will is full of principles rooted so firmly in logic and love that it's hard to believe anyone would question them, let alone disobey them. Yet so often, in my words and my actions, I say "I don't buy it."

The idea that anyone would question the moisture absorbing properties of a talc based substance is positively mind-boggling to me. But, isn't it equally ridiculous that I would question the idea that not forgiving someone would eventually put a strain on our relationship? Isn't it equally ridiculous that I would question the fact that someone who left a lifestyle more posh than I could imagine to die a horribly painful death just for me might actually love me?

The other reason that the I-don't-buy-it's piss me off so much is the subtext of "if it doesn't make sense to me, it doesn't make sense." The unmitigated arrogance!Granted, this also stokes some issues that I have with pride and wanting to be agreed with, but let's just focus on the unmitigated arrogance.

I accept the fact that God's thoughts are higher than mine. That's one of the myriad reasons that he's God and I'm not. Still, I sometimes feel like I need to perfectly understand what he says before I can agree with it or act on it. Say it with me: the unmitigated arrogance!

Oddly enough the litmus test for sin is much less stringent. Even after I accept that something I have done is wrong, I'll still do it. I'll bemoan it, I'll lament it, I'll despise it. I'll do everything but agree with it and feel like doing it. But, it still manages to get done. A lot of the stuff that God wants me to do, however, will not get done until I "buy it." It's like Paul says, I do the evil I don't want to do, but I don't do the good I want to do.

I won't love until I feel like it. I won't share until I agree with the concept. I won't sacrifice until I understand the underlying principles. I won't change until we agree to the terms of the process. I won't forgive until I see the findings of the cost-benefits analysis.

Luckily, God is patient and merciful, and he loves me. So, when I say I don't quite believe what he says, he lovingly answers, "I don't buy it."

Dum Spiro Spero or Dum Spero Spiro...I can't remember

2006-05-27T01:32:00.000-04:00

Doth my inspiration cometh from the hills? I had the toughest time coming up with something to write for this post. The prayer dare made things so easy. Now that it's over, I see that it was successful. I could not consider going to bed before I had written something. I read through nearly every previous post (there's actually some good stuff back there) and most of my mini-journal (there's actually not much in there), and all of my digital pics to find something to write about. Nada. Nil. Goose egg. Looking inside or, God forbid, up never occured to me.

I'm still a little fuzzy on where my blogging will go from here. It's going to involve pictures, but the "how" is still a little lazy, crazy and hazy. We'll see how things shape up. God has a plan. So, I'll just touch and agree with Carrie Underwood and say "Jesus, take the wheel."

Today was another good day at work and a good day away from work. I got a decent amount accomplished and had some fun. God timed the rain perfectly to benefit me, then painted an incredible sky as a followup. Then there was a belated birthday celebration comeplete with excellent dinner, dessert, and a blended chai. There really should have been a bed somewhere in the mix. Prayerfully, I'll be able to stay sleep tomorrow, but I'm not holding my breath. I just want rest. Is that so wrong?

...and to all a good night.

Prayer Dare: Day #40 (Series Finale)

2006-05-25T22:18:00.000-04:00

I'm betting that your 40 days in the wilderness didn't seem to go by this quickly. Or did they? What was that like? Was it no food and no water? I don't remember. Why the wandering in the wilderness? Fasting for 40 days in the Ritz-Carlton would be bad enough. Feasting in the wilderness would also have been more than enough of a sacrifice? You put the two together. I guess it's the height and depth proportionality thing. The incredible amount of power that you had required a supernatural sacrifice to balance. I just can't imagine either the power or the sacrifice. It's amazing.

I don't know where I'm going from here. That statement could apply to many areas in my life, but I'm speaking specifically about the blog and my journaling. Guide me toward your purpose. It's not about my next bold move, it's about your next move in my life. If it's 300 years of silence or one word a day, I just want your leading and your anointing and your joy to be my strength. Pictures? That would be interesting. Show me how and I'm there.

I'm a week into my new year of life. Let this be a year of peace in process. I pray for motion, progress. Last year was probably the best year of my life, full stock. But this year will make last year look like the semifinals of a parcheesi tournament. Guide me. Guide me. Guide me. I know that my responsibility will increase and I pray for strength and discipline. Grant me asylum in the nook between your shoulder and your wing.

I honor you, Sweet Jesus,
Amen.

Prayer Dare: Day #39

2006-05-25T00:34:00.000-04:00

Father God,

Bless me and keep me as I sleep. I pray for pleasant dreams and a restful night. Keep the temperature comfortable and let me wake up feeling rested. Help me to stay alseep until I hear the click of the alarm clock. Let me have an efficient morning and get out of the house early. Bless me, also, with another productive day. Let me finish and mail out the e-mail memo. Help me to find good graphics and a better layout for the activities guide. And, let me find time to do some work on the report. If anything comes up on the grant, let it be manageable and insiginificant. Let my lunch hour be good, too, help me find something relaxing to do with the time. Throw a good surprise or two in there somewhere. Let me finish my day feeling like I've accomplished all that I needed to, let it end with closure on an project or some major intermediary step. Let my afterwork time be relaxing. I'm not sure if I want to read or write or draw, but whatever I do, I need you in it. Be there, God and help me to end my day without regrets.

I honor you, Lord, and ask this all in Jesus' name,
Amen.

Prayer Dare: Day #38

2006-05-23T23:17:00.000-04:00

Father, in the name of Jesus,

Lord, I thank you for this day. I thank you for a productive day. I thank you for a good meeting that went better than I deserved to have it go. You totally answered that prayer. I thank you for a good evening that I caught myself enjoying more than...I would have...I don't know, it was a weird feeling. Natural, I guess. Whatever it was, thank you. I ask you for the strength, okay the will to use the strength, I know I have it. Help me to do what I have to do, you create the opportunities and I'll try to take them. Lord I pray for strength, for conviction, for a total loss of control, not rock bottom, but a yielding. It's hard to imagine myself back in that situation, but I cannot deny the compassion I have. Lord God, you've given me a charge or maybe I've taken it on in spite of you. Either way, I feel like it's there. If I'm not supposed to have it, take it away. If I am, please guide me, 'cause I'm goin' in. Lord, I still wonder how you do this for a living. Loving as much as you do, how can you watch us live our lives the way we do? It's astounding. I'm grateful I guess. Such incredible passion, such incredible patience. I don't know. Thank you. I'm at a loss for words, as I so often am with you, yet nerves, habit and duty keep me from being silent. One day, I suppose. I love you. Thank you. And let tomorrow be even more awesome.

I ask this all in the matchless name of your son, Jesus,
Amen.

Prayer Dare: Day #37

2006-05-22T23:05:00.000-04:00

So, part of me is feeling not so changed. By part, I mean the thinking and feeling portion of my being. The longer I'm here in real life the more last week seems like an anecdote. I hate that. There is a part of me (the aforementioned part) that wants to fill my bathtub with water and try to walk on it, just to prove to myself that it was all real. I would love to ask you for a test of my changedness, but honestly as strong and free as I was feeling I can't imagine the test you'd give me. So, I'll hold off. I don't mind tests and trials, per se, but I'm not going go around inviting them. Would you really send a test just so that I could prove to myself that I could pass it? Would that be a good enough reason for you? Would that be "tempting you"? Would that be sin? It would be kind of stupid, but would it be sin?

God's answer:
You don't always feel saved, but you don't doubt your salvation.

Prayer Dare: Day #36

2006-05-21T22:18:00.000-04:00

Jesus,

As I was thinking about how to explain the Living Waters training to all of the uninitiated in my life, it occured to me that the training experience was a lot like rehab. People often have a hard time leaving rehab facilities for the outside world, because for all of the unabashed unhealthiness, it becomes a very safe environment. Knowing that everyone around you already knows that you're struggling and they are struggling just like you and aren't trying to hide it is extremely freeing.

There was something so ridiculously honest about it all. There was a wonderful naked-and-unashamedness about being in fellowship with a couple hundred people who stand flatfooted and declare "I'm broken and I need Jesus and I need you to help me see and feel Him." As the leadership was careful to point out it lulls you into a false sense of intimacy, because you're in an environment that is crafted to be safe, where openness is expected, and imperfection is the assumption. And, also, you are surrounded by people who know things about you that your closest friends and family don't know, but probably don't know your last name. Knowing that these people already knew the things that I can occasionally [yes, I know occasionally is a bit of an understatement, but you have to admit I've gotten better] act and omit to cover up, saved me a lot of misspent effort and distancing. All of this extra energy came in very handy for all of the volleyball games, and the relating, and the worship.

I'm sure you knew there was going to be an ask in here somewhere and here it is: Let Your Church and my church be more like that. Let Your Church and my church be a place where people can let their hair down and take off their masks. Let Your Church and my church be a place where we default to the assumption that each person is broken by the world and desperately in need of you and each other. Let Your Church and my church welcome the outcast as "Brother". Let Your Church and my church be a place so unlike the world, so unlike real life that there has to be a disclaimer on the fellowship and the relationship and the intimacy. Let Your Church and my church be a place where worship is that much sweeter and easier, because it doesn't require an extra 10 minutes on the front end for a costume change.

Let Your Bride come lay beside you bearing and baring her sin-scarred body, not hiding it under a negligee that gives only the illusion of nakedness. Let Your Bride come lay beside you bearing and baring her scars, knowing that your touch and kiss alone can heal them.

Amen.

Prayer Dare: Day #35

2006-05-21T01:24:00.000-04:00

God,

I know we've (that's the royal "we", meaning you) done a lot of work to get me to see myself the way that you see me, but I'd really like to see myself the way that other people see me. Not all the time just occasionally. I feel so vacant sometimes and I wonder how much of that is legible on my face or in my eyes. When I listen to people being so honest and vulerable, sometimes I feel them with every fiber of my being, but just don't have the emotional wherewithal to reciprocate. Those are the times I want to see what they see. I would really like to find out that I'm just being self-conscious, that I don't look as weird as I feel at those moments. This of course begs the oft-asked question, "Do I want health or the appearance of health?" In spite of myself and everything I now know about you, me and life, I really want to say, "Can't it be both?" Can't I get the appearance until reality catches up? I feel so backslidden even thinking this, but it's coming from a good place. The thought of someone pouring out the innards of their very soul and looking at me and seeing in my expression the visual equivalent of emotional silence worries me.

I'm at a loss. Help me to reconnect and stay connects. I know I said "bring it," but I'm not ready for the mountain top experience to end. There's been enough closure in my life in the last week. Oh, yeah and I need rest. How are you doing? Thank you Jesus,

Amen.

Prayer Dare: Day #34

2006-05-19T22:41:00.000-04:00

God,

DC feels weird. I got off the train and everything felt foreign. I was only gone for a week, and I've been gone for longer and come back to find myself glad to be home. I know that I've changed after this week, but I didn't think it would be so pronounced. I want my inner life to change dramatically, but I don't want a whole bunch of miscellaneous change in my environment, I suppose. That's probably impossible, or at least it should be. I don't know. I'm also feeling a little disconnected socially. I have a lot of calls to make. I made a lot of senseless promises with my time before I left, because this weekend seemed a lifetime away last week. I don't feel like doing any of it. I don't know why. I guess the reason could be any one of several possibilities. It could be that being empowered and strengthened so totally makes you a little stingy. You just kind of want to revel in your ability before you start pouring it out on the slobbering masses. That's probably not it. It could also be that after being in an atmosphere of such freedom and engaging in such deep and honest relationships (even with total strangers), the prospect of going back to life and relationship as normal just sucks. And, I'm subconsciously acting against it. That could be it, but the most likely reason is that I'm dead tired. Maybe all of the sleepless nights and the days of volleyball and mini-hikes and eating like a pig got to me. Or perhaps, contrary to my belief, I actually was physically and emotionally drained by laying in fetal position and sobbing uncontrollably two or three times a day for a week. I don't know. Only you know for sure. All I know is tomorrow's got to be different. Make a way for me, Lord, within myself and also build opportunities for me to use all of the power and strength and gifting that you wrought in me this week. I know asking for something so labor intensive and in line with your will can be a little dangerous, because you are known to make those the prayers that you answer in spades. Just the same, I am so unbelievably grateful for everything you've done, I wouldn't feel right not doing something great with it. Please help me out with some rest, in the meantime. And please work out this weekend so that I can do as much as possible and still feel rested on Monday.

Thank you. In Jesus' name I pray,
Amen

Prayer Dare: Day #33

2006-05-18T20:41:00.000-04:00

So, it's the last day. I'm still processing. Still absorbing. Already there are tests and challenges to my new found freedoms, but you have been faithful and proven me strong. Thank you for friends and family. Thank you for common ground. You are awesome and again thank you for worship. Read my mind as often as you feel like it. It's spooky, still it's cool. You are calling me to a higher level and I vowed to answer and obey and I will...at least for the first few weeks. I guess that's why you started the tests so early, to begin the process before I lose my nerve or my memory.

I love you,
Amen.

Prayer Dare: Day #32

2006-05-18T20:34:00.000-04:00

God,
This whole visions thing is very interesting. It's...interesting. I like it. It's not that I don't trust it. There's just a part of me that wonders if it will stick around for good or if it was just a temporary gift. It's also a gift with a heavy measure of responsibility and accountability. If it is to be used, there are some stipulations: I've got to tell whoever or not tell, depending on your instructions. I've got to hear your instructions. Okay, I'm out of stipulations and it's not so different from other gifts. I guess it's just new. I'm grateful. So very grateful. Interesting. Guide me and speak loudly and clearly with your usage instructions. I don't want to hurt anyone. I also don't want to be wrong, but I'd rather risk obedience and risk faith than be safe and silent.

Bless me, Jesus,
Amen.

Prayer Dare: Day #31

2006-05-17T21:57:00.000-04:00

Lord,

I thank you for the freedom to truly worship. Seal your work, and never let me forget that your work is done, but mine is just beginning. I must live it. I must live in it. I forgive, but I must walk in forgiveness. I love, but I must walk in love. Through your love and mercy, you have empowered my will and my voice. Now that they work I need to use them. Help me to use my will and my voice wisely, not like a child with a new toy, but like Jesus who used his power to heal and help and love and instruct, and most of all to bring you glory. I want to bring you glory and I never want to steal your glory and I never want to abuse your gifts. Don't let me feel the need to earn your love. Remind me that "sin has wages, but your love yields gifts."

Thank you Lord Jesus for carrying this message to your father on my behalf,
Amen.

Prayer Dare: Day #30

2006-05-16T18:34:00.000-04:00

Lord God,

I accept your charge, your commission. I don't know exactly what I'm getting myself into, but I rarely know your plan in advance. you've never steered me wrong, and in the end (sometimes the very end), I usually end up enjoying myself or at least seeing how you've grown and developed me for the next mission. I accept. I also commit to putting in the effort and making the decisions you have freed me to. I want to be as ready as I can be trusting you and your grace and favor to do the rest. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you and I accept.

In Jesus' name,
Amen.

Prayer Dare: Day #29

2006-05-16T18:27:00.000-04:00

Good morning,

Yesterday was one of those day when it seemed the sun was shinin just for me, in part because it was. I felt your love and purpose so strong it was hard to understand how I could ever have abad day. It's like I was reaping a harvest of joy from all of the tears I shed before (the night before, the morning before, just before). I trust you so much, not just because things are so good, but because they're not. I just really feel like they are. Nothing's changed, but everything is changed and still changing. I don't know from day to day who I'll be or what you'll show me, and I don't know what you're up to, but I know you're up to something. As I stand on the hill and shout "your name is great," I'm realizing that my name isn't so bad either. It's the one you called me. The one that captures all that you made me. The one that affims my existence, my presence, my gifting, everytime it's called.

God morning,
Amen

Prayer Dare: Day #28

2006-05-16T18:11:00.000-04:00

God,
I thank you for comfirming your words. Your prophet, I forget which one, said you spoke once and he heard you twice. I thank you for the echo. Be near me Lord Jesus, I ask you to stay close by me forever and love me I pray. As this week begins, I ask you for focus. I've come to the middle of nowhere to find peace and refuge. I'm not running away from anything (well I sort of am, except they're all in my head so they travel well), I am running to you. So that I may find you, shut my mind up for a while. I thank you for my mind, it's capable of amazing things. You have gifted me incredibly. But, it doesn't do quiet very well. It likes to be two steps ahead to the next amazing thing and that's distracting. Quiet it that I might hear and learn and worship without anything getting in the the way. Training has been good so far, but I pray that I stop looking for ways to maintain control and start looking for the Way Maker. You are why I'm here. Be larger than life and smaller than my tears.

It's nice to meet you again,
Amen