Lalah

This is a post I wrote September 19, 2007, but never got around to publishing. Funny that it speaks to exactly what I'm going through right now...

Last weekend I went to a concert with my friend, Jon. It was a live recording for the latest chapter of Kirk Whalum’s Gospel According to Jazz series. For those who don’t know the series, Kirk gathers a cadre of incredible jazz artists and records a jam session of great jazz music that interprets or is inspired by Gospel music.

One of the artists on the bill was Lalah Hathaway, one of my favorite singers. She sang a few songs, but one blew me away. The chorus says, “Don’t ask me how I could love you. It’s 'cause I’m love. It’s what I do.”

Whoa! Having struggled for so much of my life to feel lovable, I still occasionally ask God “why.” Why does he love me? Why would he risk/waste so much of himself on me? Why does he chase me when I run? Why does he wait for me to catch up? Why did he keep saying ‘I love you’ when he knew I wouldn’t believe him? Why did he trust me with so much?

A couple of years ago, around the middle of the Living Waters course, the light came on. I truly felt for the first time that God loved me. So, I asked him why and how. And that was his answer, “I love you because I am love.” Hearing the song reminded me of that fact.

Get Thee Behind Me, Jesus

I learn a lot about God from my friends.

Once or twice a month my friend and I go on a long bike ride. As a considerably weaker rider, I lag behind a lot. I feel bad sometimes, holding him back, but he puts up with it because he's a really good friend.

I've noticed that when he gets too far ahead for me to see him, I develop a sort of learned helplessness. I realize that no matter how hard I pedal, I'll never catch up, and I automatically slow down. These periods are a little disheartening, yet restful and comfortable.

After a few minutes, I'll see him riding in circles up ahead. I mutter a few expletives, mourning the loss of my rest and comfort. Then, I'll ride up along side him, and we head off again.

The other thing I've noticed is that when he really wants to push me, he forces me to lead. Somehow, having him behind me, being responsible for setting his pace and mine, makes me want to stretch myself to the limits. I don't become Lance Armstrong, mind you, but the speed and effort is beyond my comfort zone.

Where does God fit into all of this?

Looking back on my life, I see that often when God wanted to move me from one stage of my life to another, he put me in leadership. Being responsible for setting goals and visions for other people, for hearing from God on their behalf, for encouraging them, stretches me. It also in those times that I feel closest to God.

The other trend I see is that when God wants to move me out of a period of stagnation - often prolonged by months or years of searching for God's will - he forces me to make a decision. Rather than leading and daring me to follow, he dares me to lead and promises to follow.

It reminds me of Moses, with whom I often feel an odd kinship because of his fears and insecurities, and the roundabout route he took into his destiny. God called Moses into the realization his potential and out of a 40-year-old comfort zone by putting him in charge of a whole nation of people. God made him the leader of the most daring and dramatic escape ever.

Thinking about all of this proved a pleasant distraction on the bike ride. Seeing God use a friend yet again to reach out to me made me even more grateful for the amazing people he has placed in my life.

Quick Thought: Worldly Love

It would behoove us as Christians to remember that the Bible says, "For God so loved the world...," not "For God so loved the church...." Neither God's love nor our mission starts at the pulpit and ends at the last pew.

Quick Thought: Q&A

Temptation is weird. Even if I don't do something, I still feel bad thinking about wanting to do something. But, for the sake of my spiritual sanity, I've tried to think of temptation a little differently: as a question.

Don't you want to...? Wouldn't you be happier if you...? Wouldn't people like you better if you...? Wouldn't this hurt less if you...?

Thinking of it that way, I see that condemning myself or someone else for being tempted is like calling every person who's ever been offered marijuana a pothead. I see that sin doesn't come with being asked the question, but with my answer.

Temptation is just a question. Sin is the answer to the question...and so is holiness. Whether I choose sin or holiness depends on whether or not I answer the question the same way God does.

In Deuteronomy 30:19, God puts it this way, "I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses." I make this choice again and again, every time I face temptation. With every question I have the power to choose life and holiness or sin and death.

God urges me to choose life.

Quick Thought: Identity

When God, hands-down the biggest overachiever ever, offered Moses his business card to pass on to the children of Israel, it said "I AM" not "I DO".

I could learn a thing or two from him.

Quick Thought: Don't Ask, Don't Tell

I think people should stop describing themselves as Christians.

A conversation with a friend confirmed that the bad rap Christianity has been dealt is due in part to the many self-proclaimed Christians who are weirdos or jerks. So, rather than discriminating against weirdos and jerks, I say that we just stop everyone from calling themselves Christians. It should be like the "n-word." Everybody can't say it, so nobody should say it.

The Bible says that the world will know that we are Christians by our love, not our labels. So, if you want everyone to know you're a "C-word," love them. Demonstrate your Christianity in your actions, in your lifestyle. And if people realize there's something different about you and ask if you're a Christian, then you say yes - kind of like an undercover cop. If the mood is right, you can even proselytize.

Bug-a-boo

As it gets colder outside and inside of my house - which is apparently the nexus of insect life on Earth - I'm noticing more bugs invading my personal space. It occurred to me, as I was swatting uselessly at a gnat, that he wasn't trying to annoy me. He was cold and dying.

The gnat was just trying to stay alive. He understood that the cold, harsh environment that is my home is not conducive to his continued existence. So, he needed to seek out any source of heat he could find. His instinctual impulse brought him to me. At 98.6 degrees, I am often the warmest thing in the room.

My next thought was naturally of God and his people. The Bible speaks of our light and our love, and the way they will draw people to us and ultimately to him. Sort of like gnats.

We can all agree that our world is kind of cold and harsh. In and of itself, our world is not conducive to prolonged, abundant life. It is only God's light in this dark world that brings us joy and peace and hope and love. He is the source of our life.

We reflect that light as Christ dwells in us. Inside of us is the Life and the Light that everyone needs. So we can't be annoyed or surprised or unprepared when, every so often, some cold and dying person is drawn to our light and warmth.

Well, we can and I often am. But, we shouldn't be.

Really, we should take it as a compliment. It just means that this person has recognized that we are the warmest thing in the room.

Still Fighting It

I was walking downtown on Friday and came to the intersection of 18th & K Streets, NW. It's on one of DC's main drags for crosstown traffic and in the heart of the corporate and commercial district.

In the middle of the intersection stood a kid holding a big posterboard. I say kid because I'm older, but he was likely a college student from GWU. Just your garden-variety, work-a-day, white kid.

Anyway, his posterboard simply read "Honk if you care about my future (I care about yours)." The occasional car would drive by and honk, and he'd give them a wave or a thumbs up.

I was intrigued because he was alone. There was no logo or name on the posterboard. I'm pretty sure it was handwritten. Usually, these activist kids travel in packs, hand out flyers or packs of chewing gum or something, and make their organizational affiliation very clear.

So, as I walked across the intersection, I stopped. "So, what about your future?" I figured he'd say something about education funding reform, health care, or social security.

He said he didn't have anything in particular in mind, no party, no agenda, "Just a positive message."

K Street is also the city hub for lobbyists, so seeing someone without an angle looking to share goodwill with his fellow man was very refreshing.

I applaud him and pray that God is Lord of his future, and shows himself strong and good. I pray for miracles of faith, hope and success.

Don't Go Changin'

For all of the talk of transformation and newness in the Bible, God has invested a lot of time and energy in my life lately to make me okay with just being who I am. Plain, old me. It feels pretty good to know that the one who knows me completely believes that what I am is enough. The trick is getting me to believe it.

I’m an optimist and a realist, so I have a pretty good handle on my strengths and weaknesses. I can rattle them off at any given moment with the greatest of ease. The disconnect comes as I place price tags on all of the bric-a-brac of my character. I tend to overvalue the liabilities and undervalue the assets. So, as I tally everything, I’m left feeling like I’m always in debt. I feel like I always owe the people who care about me and spend time with me a little more than just plain, old me.

This has led to several peculiar habits. Sometimes, I’ll hold back parts of who I am, afraid that people will see the total package and draw the same conclusion that I have.

Other times, I’ll try to compensate for having too little to offer by going into giving and serving mode. My love and service to people that I care about becomes like a dowry to buy their love in return. God pointed out the irony in this tactic. My abilities to love and serve others are God-given gifts that are the very core of who I am. So, essentially I’m trying to make up for the fake or partial me that I mistakenly believe is the real me by showing people the actual real me. And, what do you know? People like him.

Ironic?

So, God says, “My grace is sufficient for you. And your need for grace is sufficient for me.” And in the end, being happy about who I am is requiring a transformation. Just being plain, old me is actually a very new thing. The Bible was right again. Next time… I get to be right.

So, Jesus Isn't My Boyfriend?

I have a number of friends who are quite vocal about their opposition to the trend of using romantic imagery in describing our relationship with God. That is, the so-called Jesus-is-my-boyfriend phenomenon. Just the same, I kind of like it.

Does this mean that I believe that God wants to be my boyfriend...er, girlfriend? While I do have an open slot for that position, my answer would be no. However, I do believe that the concept has a substantial biblical basis.

The Bible is rife with portrayals of God and Jesus as suitors, husbands, and even lovers. I don't believe these references mean that God wants to be a suitor, husband or lover to us. I think the goal, as in most things biblical, is for us to gain a better understanding of who God actually is, both in and of himself and in our lives.

I think those references are God's attempt to help us grasp the nature of his love for us. It's a pretty tall order. There is no direct correlate within the vocabulary of human emotion and relationship. But there are a couple of human loves the Bible uses to illustrate godly love: the love a parent has for a child, and the love a man has for a woman.

This man-woman love often starts with or leads to some sort of pursuit. God's pursuit of us led Jesus from heaven to a cross and back. Both man-woman love and God's love involve passion. Both loves involve some expectation of fidelity and exclusivity. Both loves involve a fierce and paternal protectiveness. I could go on, but you get the idea.

I can be self-centered. I sometimes have a hard time truly seeing from another person's perspective. Most of the time I just imagine what I would do, say, think, or feel if I was in their position. Since I don't get unconditional love - either fully understand it or fully receive it from others - it's good to have the analogies.

For instance, I don't know exactly how God feels when I don't spend time with him for a long time. I do know what it's like to miss a girlfriend who's away on a long trip. I don't exactly understand God's interest in the minutia of my daily life to the point that he's counted the hair on my head. I do understand living for the smile on my girlfriend's face when she eats her favorite candy bar.

When all is said and done, the love that I would have for a girlfriend or wife (if such a creature existed in my reality) pales in comparison to God's love for me. And no place that I could carve out in my heart, my schedule, my life for a girlfriend could ever be truly worthy of God.

Luckily, that doesn't change the fact or my point. Envisioning Jesus as my...significant other gets me closer to understanding his love for me than I would be otherwise.