Thursday, April 05, 2007

Playing Poker

Yesterday was a very good night. My quiz went well, I thought. Of course, I thought the other quiz went well, and it sort of didn't. In the hour between my quiz and the group therapy session, I went shopping in Old Town. Got some great stuff. I may be becoming a shop-a-holic. Perhaps I should slow way down and only buy what I need. Although, I'm not in the habit of willy-nilly buying. I'm buying things I need.

After shopping we had our final full session. Ridiculously awesome. Unlike last time, I started off talking about myself and the overwhelming neediness I've been feeling lately. Through the discussion and some side coversations with God, a couple of friends and Malcolm Smith, I came to a conclusion: I'm needy because I'm safe.

Through my experience with Living Waters and Alpha, and the friendships I found last year, my extroversion and my need for relationship appeared seemingly out of nowhere. I discovered that not only was it not good for "man" to be alone, it was also not good for this man to be alone. What I've been feeling lately has been a much (MUCH!) magnified version of those feelings.

The conclusion that I came to is that now I'm in a place, emotionally and relationally, where I can get those intense needs met. I have both the strength and good courage to say "I need" and the friends who can say "I'll see your need and raise you a meeting of that need." I believe that God finally allowed this need to be awakened now because these provisions were finally in place for the need to be met. In this time, he's just been daring me to use them. I accept his challenge.

All in.

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Day 65

At some point I'll stop these journaling posts, I've just go to figure out when. Anyway, today is not that day.

Yesterday was a fun day. Work fell into the background as I hung out with friends for most of the day, at least that's what it seemed like. Cooking with Brandt and car shopping with Rob. I also had weird dreams although I can't remember them. I just remember that my classmates were involved. Andy was there, but I don't remember why. Strange. I was grateful for the weather, and as always for my bike.

I don't recall any prayers being answered. Although, I feel like the prayer I prayed yesterday for my mind is being answered today with a prayer/declaration prayed/made this morning.

I think I should centralize my accountability. Maybe I don't need to and I just feel like I should. Right now it works like a pyramid scheme. Or maybe an octagon scheme. Actually, that's the wrong analogy. It's very compartmentalized. It's like an assembly line. I get a bolt tightened here and a piece installed there, a decal pasted on over there, and off to another station for final inspection. And maybe that's the way the Good Lord intended. He sent me people who are experts in different things. With whom I have different things in common. It feels a little like my life of yore, where everything was separated and never meeting twitxt them twain. I don't know if my desire for a one-stop shop is a hankering God hits me with from time to time to let me know there's something else out there, or one that I've cobbled together from ideas and ideals. It's working, so I suppose I should just ask God to do what...Okay. I guess. I'll try.

In any event, I'm looking forward to my day. I pray for opportunities and the wisdom to know how to use them, and the humility to back way off and let God wear the cape, mask and tights this time.

Monday, April 02, 2007

Day 6 Four

It's been a great few days. God's been working overtime. And literally just got news that I'm an uncle again. My "little brother", Franklin, just had a baby boy. Great way to cap off the weekend.

God answered my prayer for a clear mind. It lasted only a couple of days, but it was the right could of days and it reminded me what my mind was like before and can be like again. I say "the right couple of days" because that Thursday night we had the best Living Waters small group ever. I wouldn't have been able to experience it as fully as I did, if I had been as bound as I normally am. At the risk of sounding patronizing, I was really proud of the men in my group for the WORK they did on Thursday night and the way they ministered to and enouraged and prophesied to each other. For this weekend, maybe even this year, that is the thing that I'm most grateful for.

I also had a great retreat day. With Brandt and Matt out of town and Rob working on his test, I figured Saturday was a good day to be by myself. It turned out to be a perfect day. I saw and experienced so much and so little. God and I had a lot of fun, as we always do when I give him time. And somehow, I'm always surprised.

For today, I pray that I can find a way to live in that freedom and clarity of mind, and the fellowship with and obedience to God that it makes possible. I also pray a life of victory, blessing, favor, love, joy, hope, peace and forgiveness for my new nephew.