Tuesday, July 11, 2006


This thought came to me as I was doing my homework. The question asked what fears I have about being open and honest. Technically, it said to discuss them with God, but I figured I'd write them out instead, because it helps me process. Anyway, here goes:

There's still a part of me that wants the appearance of holiness and wholeness, more than actual holiness and wholeness. The real thing takes work and patience. I have a decent work ethic, but me and patience? Not so much. The real thing is messy. It requires a process that walks you through the muck and mire on your way to ultimate glory. The ends justifies the means, by far, but who's excited about muck and mire? No, really? There's still a part of me that's still walking the tightrope between acceptance and rejection. I'd love to just say, "I don't care," but I do. Somehow it's easier to call myself a liar than a sinner. Go figure.

Then, there's need. Admitting I'm broken, is admitting I need to be fixed. Part of the reality of needing to be fixed is needing help to be fixed. Needing help goes against my creed as an all-powerful, self-sufficient hunter, gatherer, warrior. "I'm a loner, Dottie...a rebel."

The truth of the matter is God is working a bravery and risk-takingness in me that I would never have imagined existed. This has allowed me to be pretty darned honest, but there are still moments. There are still some things. There are still some people. There are still some moods. There are still some times when I just want to be weak and copout.


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