Friday, June 09, 2006

So. Last Night...?

Last night was one of those nights.

Yesterday, I was as close to depression as I get. Having seen real depression - just balls out, only-Satan-could-orchestrate-a-hell-on-earth-like-this depression - I bless God for my temperament. I get down, but I can only go but so far down before God stops me and says, "nah, li'l Negro, that's not for you." So, this melancholy has been circling for a while. I've been in a transitional period with a finite shelf life, but without a clear plan as to how to get off the shelf. Transitional periods always get me. I'm going to be rearranging my living situation and I don't know what things will look like when I'm...when God is finished. He's dropping hints and bread crumbs, but he's as annoyingly vague yet optimistic as always. Anyway, the melancholy eagle landed yesterday, maybe the night before.

He just kind of sat there all day long until around 7:30ish. I was reading Every Man's Battle and started feeling better. It wasn't the book, or maybe it was, but I don't think so. At 8:15 or so, I met a friend and had one of the worst/best conversations of my life. That sealed it. I was happy again. Not because of the conversation or the outcome.

The conversation was like a really happy funeral. You're happy because there was singing and really nice words and lots of great memories were stirred up, and the only thing that could have made it better was a spontaneous resurrection. But you still know someone's died and your life will never be the same, and that's very sad. And you're glad they're in a "better place," even though you can't imagine a better place than there with you. You want to let go, but only because you know you have to, not because you want to or are ready to. You're feeling happy and sad and thankful and pissed and overwhelmingly loved and abandoned and reminiscing and wondering what the hell do I do now all at the same time.

Yeah, it was like that.

In the middle of this convo, I got a call saying that I was accepted into the cool people group house. It felt like high school all over again. Sitting with the cool kids at lunch. Being in with the in-crowd, going where the in-crowd goes. I felt so wanted. I'm not sure how many people they interviewed, I met three or four of the other applicants, all cute girls who would have been fun to live with. I was so not what they were looking for, but they picked me anyway. I'm one of us. Yay.

I'm easy, I know it. Just part of my charm. The only problem is I couldn't take the slot. They need someone immediately and unfortunately I'm not available immediately. That sucks so badly, I wish it could have gone differently. It really would have been like living in the real world house..."but not for me."

Dangit, I'm late. Gotta go camp.

4 Comments:

At 10:27 PM, June 12, 2006, Blogger Lisa said...

Dennis, you are one awesome guy. Just thought you should hear it today.

 
At 11:15 PM, June 13, 2006, Blogger The Black Sheep said...

Thanks, Lisa. I did need that today (even though it's tomorrow).

Dennis

 
At 7:37 AM, June 22, 2006, Blogger Darbs said...

I love conversations like that. Although they may take you on an emotional roller coaster - the end result is CLARITY! Gotta love that.

Sorry about the house...that blows!

 
At 7:08 PM, June 25, 2006, Blogger The Black Sheep said...

Ahhh...clarity. You do have to love it. Well, you don't have to, but it's easier that way.

Thanks.

 

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