"You ain't got no alibi..."

I’ve got to get some ugly friends.

For as long as I can remember, the majority of my friends have been beautiful women. So, for years I’ve been surrounded by women who draw more attention than the Macy’s Day Parade, women I probably wouldn’t have a chance at dating. On the plus side, I end up looking like a reasonable catch to women and a pimp (or as my friend Rob says, "pelmp") to other men.

These women are not just beautiful, they're also amazing people and friends. Still, it’s not nearly the male fantasy that it sounds like. Having these women as friends eliminates them from my dating pool, which is already more like a puddle. Dating a friend sounds good in theory, but in practice, not so much. Getting out of the "friend zone" is hard work. I tried it a long time ago and it’s not worth it.

Also affecting my dating decision is the disclosure factor among friends. You know all that stuff that women don’t tell their boyfriends because they’re afraid it will make them less attractive, well I know all that stuff. And you know what? It might not make a huge difference if I were already in a relationship, but it does make me think twice about starting one.

Then, there’s the female detail-orientation. As the resident expert in male behavior, a lot of information is bounced off me. Let me assure you, men’s foulest locker room talk is like the Sermon on the Mount compared to the intimate details some women share about their personal lives. My ears have been defiled.

This all came up because of the most recent drawback I discovered: crazy stalkers. A good friend of mine has caught the attention of a certifiable lunatic, who I’m pretty sure is following her around. He’s watched us together several times, talking and having a good time because that’s what we do. And because he’s crazy, he assumes that I’m her boyfriend and the only roadblock to their eternal bliss and has said as much.

I have no qualms about laying down my life for one of my friends, I’d do it in a heartbeat for any of them. But, I’ve always pictured myself donating a vital organ, running into a burning building, or drowning while swimming them to safety. Being killed by a crazy guy with a crush or going to prison for killing him in self-defense wasn't really part of the vision. I'll do it, mind you, but it's not ideal.

Of course, this wouldn’t be an issue if I just had ugly friends.