Clueless
Every once in a while, I'll go through something and I try to convince God and myself that He doesn't know how bad I'm feeling. Of course I know He does, but I just like to say it. It makes me feel better. Why? Because I know He loves me. It's hard for me to reconcile God's love for me with His willingness to let me hurt for my own good. I feel like if the God who I know loves me more than life itself had any idea that the stuff I was going through felt as crappy as it does, He would instantly rescue me. Meanwhile, God is sitting there thinking, if he had a clue as to how insignificant this moment of suffering is compared to the amazing things that I'm preparing him for and preparing for him, he would beg for more(Romans 8:18). I'll just have to take His word for the whole begging for more thing, but I do take some comfort in knowing that He loves me and would never allow me to suffer needlessly. So, there is a point and purpose to all of this.
posted by Dennis Bourne @ 2:34 PM
3 comments
3 Comments:
BSD,
I find a sense of companionship in your writing, as it seems you grapple with so much of the same emotions and even realizations that I do. I can't express how often I've felt that there was no way God could know how bad I am hurting. I've actually forced myself to list specific things that I'm feeling and I can always find that he experiences the same thing. Seems I focus on my feeling and forget that he too, has cause to feel them. Not the least of which is that I'm feeling them. And since he feels so much more deeply than I, ... sheesh
I regularly find myself caught in a form of this conflict as days and weeks on end of my prayers may be reduced to "my will be done, my will be done, my will be done..." Only once in a while do I get the brilliant insight that there might be something bigger than my will, and perhaps (just perhaps) something even better than my will. But how can someone else's will be better than mine? How could it ever make more sense to say "THY will be done" than to say "MY will be done?" How could it ever be better that I hurt than that I not hurt?
As much as I like to play God (I pray the "My will be dones" all the time), it really would suck to be him. I don't think the human heart, at least not mine, has the emotional capacity that it would take to feel everything he feels as deeply as he feels it. And our minds don't have the mental capacity to develop a plan for an entire universe for millions of years. Long-term planning for me is like late-Spring 2006. The only thing that keeps me sane is knowing that I'm not limited to my own abilities and my life doesn't depend on just little, ol' me. Well, that and my control issues. Thank God God is God, because I don't think anyone else is up to the job.
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