Oh, The Places You’ll Go!

I am a person in process. As we speak, God is building and changing me into me.

The weird thing about this process is that it’s hard to track. The path I’m following is conspicuously devoid of mile markers. It’s hard to know when I’ve arrived at the different levels and stops along the way.

What typically happens is I’ll look up and find myself somewhere I shouldn’t be, doing, saying or thinking something I wouldn’t normally have been able to. It’s a little like the first season of Smallville (that was before God delivered me from an insidious and all-consuming addiction to the WB). Clark would periodically find that he had some new superhuman ability that he had to learn to hone and control. He would wake up hovering above his bed, or look at someone and suddenly realize he could see their skeleton. I wonder if that’s what Jesus’ adolescence was like. Did he try to go swimming one time and accidentally walk on the water?

Anyway, that’s what it’s been like for me. I’ll look around and realize that I’m leading a ministry that I shouldn’t even be a part of. Or I’ll be sharing my innermost thoughts and feelings with someone that I just met. Or I’ll be praying for someone and realize I have more information than they gave me. Or I’ll be crying because someone I don’t even know is hurting. Or I’ll be trusting people. Or I’ll be forgiving people.

On one hand, it’s a little annoying. For instance, I found out recently that I am an extrovert. My entire life, I have built a substantial portion of my identity and my schedule around my intense need for personal time and space. Now, all of a sudden, I’ll be sitting at home and wishing I had some company. When did that happen?

On the other hand, it’s very exciting. I’ll think about some amazing new experience or gift, and look to God and say, “Cool, what else can I do now?” This weekend, I went on my first date in a long time. I found that she was getting more beautiful with every word, but instead of feeling more intimidated or unworthy, I just felt more grateful and more intrigued. All night long, the thought of being anywhere else with anyone else never crossed my mind. Everything I did and said seemed like one more opportunity for her to get up and walk out, but that didn’t scare me and it didn’t stop me. I have no idea where any of this is going or if it’s going anywhere at all, but that doesn’t scare me either. I'm patient, I'm present. Who in the world am I?

It’s been an amazing ride, so far. I wonder where I’ll be and what I’ll be doing next time I stop to think about it. At this rate, I’ll probably have mastered turning water into wine just in time for New Year’s Eve in Greenland.