Friday, May 19, 2006

Prayer Dare: Day #34


DC feels weird. I got off the train and everything felt foreign. I was only gone for a week, and I've been gone for longer and come back to find myself glad to be home. I know that I've changed after this week, but I didn't think it would be so pronounced. I want my inner life to change dramatically, but I don't want a whole bunch of miscellaneous change in my environment, I suppose. That's probably impossible, or at least it should be. I don't know. I'm also feeling a little disconnected socially. I have a lot of calls to make. I made a lot of senseless promises with my time before I left, because this weekend seemed a lifetime away last week. I don't feel like doing any of it. I don't know why. I guess the reason could be any one of several possibilities. It could be that being empowered and strengthened so totally makes you a little stingy. You just kind of want to revel in your ability before you start pouring it out on the slobbering masses. That's probably not it. It could also be that after being in an atmosphere of such freedom and engaging in such deep and honest relationships (even with total strangers), the prospect of going back to life and relationship as normal just sucks. And, I'm subconsciously acting against it. That could be it, but the most likely reason is that I'm dead tired. Maybe all of the sleepless nights and the days of volleyball and mini-hikes and eating like a pig got to me. Or perhaps, contrary to my belief, I actually was physically and emotionally drained by laying in fetal position and sobbing uncontrollably two or three times a day for a week. I don't know. Only you know for sure. All I know is tomorrow's got to be different. Make a way for me, Lord, within myself and also build opportunities for me to use all of the power and strength and gifting that you wrought in me this week. I know asking for something so labor intensive and in line with your will can be a little dangerous, because you are known to make those the prayers that you answer in spades. Just the same, I am so unbelievably grateful for everything you've done, I wouldn't feel right not doing something great with it. Please help me out with some rest, in the meantime. And please work out this weekend so that I can do as much as possible and still feel rested on Monday.

Thank you. In Jesus' name I pray,


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