Sunday, May 21, 2006

Prayer Dare: Day #35


I know we've (that's the royal "we", meaning you) done a lot of work to get me to see myself the way that you see me, but I'd really like to see myself the way that other people see me. Not all the time just occasionally. I feel so vacant sometimes and I wonder how much of that is legible on my face or in my eyes. When I listen to people being so honest and vulerable, sometimes I feel them with every fiber of my being, but just don't have the emotional wherewithal to reciprocate. Those are the times I want to see what they see. I would really like to find out that I'm just being self-conscious, that I don't look as weird as I feel at those moments. This of course begs the oft-asked question, "Do I want health or the appearance of health?" In spite of myself and everything I now know about you, me and life, I really want to say, "Can't it be both?" Can't I get the appearance until reality catches up? I feel so backslidden even thinking this, but it's coming from a good place. The thought of someone pouring out the innards of their very soul and looking at me and seeing in my expression the visual equivalent of emotional silence worries me.

I'm at a loss. Help me to reconnect and stay connects. I know I said "bring it," but I'm not ready for the mountain top experience to end. There's been enough closure in my life in the last week. Oh, yeah and I need rest. How are you doing? Thank you Jesus,



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