Monday, April 24, 2006

Prayer Dare: Day #9

So, you know what we have to talk about. I know that I don't have a right to ask why, but you know I'm going to, so just prepare an answer or evade the question by giving me some peace. Right now, all I feel is unsettled. What was that even about?

So, yes, tonight's lesson was about evil. Did I need the object lesson in evil? Why that way? For real, what was that about?

And, maybe evil is too strong a word for what happened. It was more bad, than evil. No one was hurt, exactly. But, I just can't figure out why? It was my fault, technically. I made it possible, but... Why did I have to see that, if I couldn't do anything about it? Did I hear you wrong? Should I have done something? I don't get it and you need to explain it.

You know how I am, you know that's all I'll see every time. And every time I'll be just as confused. It will be distracting. How do I avoid acting on that? Is it a test? Did I already fail? What do I have to do to pass? Yes I can pray, but I want to know why. I don't want to hear that it doesn't matter. Why? It doesn't make any sense, and I don't mean that in a proud way, like "how dare he do that after all this?" But that's not a bad question. It's a very good question.

No, it doesn't have to make sense, and it doesn't have to make sense to me. But you let me see it. You knew how I would react, and you did it to me anyway. And you knew the only way I would foresee calming down was if you gave me some modicum of control or at least the illusion of it, by getting some information. A reason. Knowledge. You knew that's what I'd want. You knew that you wouldn't give it to me. I'll pray, you knew I'd pray, but I need you to drop me a crumb.


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